Tuesday, September 08, 2015

Friday, August 21, 2015

Just my "Trademark"

I made this symbol out of the thought "What if I made a logo just so if I sold something like "art" in the future, I have a logo for it?".

So it's actually the initials of my real first name, JC. I liked my initials, because being religious, I liked how it had the same initials with Jesus Christ.

It's like a palindrome, or a mirror-image with each other. It also looks like an arrow pointing up. We always aim upwards in our lives, not down. But it is somehow hypocritical of me with me being "crazy", because I sometimes look for ways to be sad on purpose.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Just Something I didn't Want to Happen

All I wanted was a bromance. I'm not a lesbian or anything. I'm a perfectly straight girl with a boyish attribute. I wanted an unrealistic life like in How I Met Your Mother. I liked how Ted and Tracy were meant for each other; How it was such a coincidence that they had the same initials; How they are oth nerds; How they had the same tastes. I also liked Robin's nature.

I am indifferent, but I am also empathetic.

What I mean is, in my own personal life, I am indifferent. But, I empathize with other people's lives. It's like, I care more for others other than myself. I don't care what happens to me, really. Because everything goes smoothly for me. Don't get the wrong idea, I get my downs all the time. It's just like, when I am in a tight situation, I just think that the tight situation I'm in will be over for a certain amount of time. I will think that when I am done dealing with a difficult thing, I will just think of the future me thinking why did I worry in the first place. Sorry for the redundancy of my words. Heck, I can type however I want here. It's my blog. It's personal and I don't want you to understand me anyway. Whut?

Okay. So. Yeah.
"Please don't fall inlove with me, because that would only make me hate you."
 -Lana Slaybell

I know it's kind of harsh. That's how heartless I am. Yup. So... it's my own version of the Ted Mosby Effect. Google it if you don't know what that is.
I don't really want a relationship right now. For me, what I think of people who have boyfriends or girlfriends have lower IQs  than those who don't, and those who don't have relationships have lower EQs. Err... I think my remarks are kind of offensive. No offense meant but I think there is something wrong with me. But what I know is that a smart person knows how to control his or her feelings. A brain is smarter than a heart. It is the brain who does the thinking, the one who produces the hormones, and the one who controls everything, including the heart. The feeling you get is actually from the brain, not from the heart. Yeah, you might know that already, don't you?

My point is, I use my brain more. I cut off the emotion hormone-producing gland. And by emotion, I meant love. Only the type of love that is a boyfriend-girlfriend love. I am still able to love like a friend love and a family love. I might turn the gland on again if I want to. So, I am not really heartless, I am just gland-less. Whut?

Okay, continuing on. I don't know if "continuing on" is correct. I don't want to dwell on it so Imma use it there. Okay. The event that I didn't want to happen. I'll just tell little details. Hahaha. Jk, I'm not gonna share it. I'm lazy. I don't want to think of the grammar or the construction of the sentence so Imma stop here because I like to leave people hanging. Well that sentence was long. Haha. If I were the reader of this post, I will be annoyed by the writer. But I am the writer here because I am a little annoying banana. Why am I calling myself a banana. Stupid friend. Haha. Nevermind me, I am now just talking to myself here. My post has already ended.

Just Another One of Those Blank Moments

When I thought of death, an unborn child was found. Why must Someone send me such messages?

I'm getting out of my mind. What I'm doing right now isn't good for me.

I need a permanent cure.

I'm starting to doubt reality.


I shouldn't think too much.

I shouldn't think of things in such ways.


If I talk to a guy about my problems, he would eventually fall in love with me. I don't like that. If I talk to a girl, well, she will probably give me advice that I already know.

I can not stop these thoughts. They run through  my head, yet they do not make sense with each other.

Hah. When I'm with other people I stop thinking these things.


I'm a banana.

Hmmm... Am I really psychotic?

Maybe I just need some attention.

Give me attention~ I need it now~ Too much distance~ To measure it out, out now~

Glob it. You can stop reading now. Hahaha. I just needed something to post here. Welp, bye.

Lol, joke, still here.

Damn, why am I like this.

Ok. Post ends here now, literally.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Just Luchie's Comic

Reblog. Too bad we aren't in tumblr.

Just Unicorns and Rainbows

Mikey Way, the brother of Gerard Way and the former bassist of My Chemical Romance, was the reason why I now like unicorns. They say he likes unicorns. I like being weird.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Just Gerard Way~

Don't mind the texts. What I want to show you is only the picture.

Again, ignore the texts. I don't have any anger with my parents or myself.
It's Gerard Way, the former vocalist of My Chemical Romance.
I took this pic from his twitter. It's just his eyes that get me <3>

Monday, July 20, 2015

Just a Simple Post

Like I said  before, my favorite band is My Chemical Romance. So when they broke up, I was bummed. I was not over-reacting to the breakup. But what I want to talk about now is about the album "May Death Never Stop You".

Being delusional I was, I took the title as a message. I mean, two people I know died the time I heard the announcement of the album. First song in it was entitled "Fake Your Death". Of course, I also took it as a message. But, it was only me who thought I was faking my death. Blargh. Never-mind if you don't get it.

Just Copeland's "Brightest"

If you find yourself here in my side of town, I pray that you'd come to my door. Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about, 'cause I don't remember anymore. I just know that she warms my heart. And knows what all my imperfections are. And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar.

And I just know that she warms my heart. And knows what all my imperfections are. And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar~

Copeland - Brightest

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Just... Something

Uncanniness of Insanity

I never expected I would have to visit the guidance office. I guess I had to expect the unexpected.

It started when we had our retreat last August 2013. The retreat master said to read if we can read thick novel books, how much more we can read the bible. It was a retreat, so I was more religious than usual. When I was alone, I talk to God. Then, I think of sentences after my prayer. I thought that the sentences that I would think of would be God talking to me. Months after our retreat i read the book of proverbs. The verse that struck me most was "Be not wise with your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil." -Proverbs 3:7.

Before that, I read Paulo Coelho's Veronica Decides to Die. I was fascinated by a character that had schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a mental disease where a person makes a reality of his own. I thought having schizophrenia was cool. I even thought I wanted schizophrenia. That's when they say be careful what you wish for.

March passed by and it was the season of Lent. Since it was Lent, I figured I would celebrate the season by being sad. I "fasted", which was one of the reasons that jumpstarted in my mental problem. On the other hand, I wanted to write a book about suicide, since I haven't really found a book about suicide. I started writing whatever came to mind. The title was "Suicidal thoughts of a Suicidal Person". Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal. I showed it to the elementary guidance counselor of our school when I was hysterical during our graduation practice and was sent to the clinic. I said to everyone that I was okay. I really was okay. There was no reason why I cried then laugh after a while. I had perfect grades, a perfect family, and didn't have a relationship with a guy so no relationship problems. It's like, when I look at the floor, it seems like moving. I thought I was losing myself. I didn't really know what schizophrenia was. I deluded myself. I pinched my arms because i try to figure out if i was still in reality. I felt numb that time. Maybe it was because I didn't have any lunch and enough sleep, and the things that only entered my stomach were 2 cups of coffee from the vending machine.

The elementary guidance counselor read my journal. There was a lot of depressing stuff there. There was an entry of why I hate humanity. There was a drawing I made of a girl with a stressed facial expression, holding her face, naked, while her covering her breasts with her arms. The counselor and I talked for aw hile. I calmed down after that, and I was better. I went back to the gymnasium where the graduation practice was. I ripped the entry about suicide, gave it to my friend, and asked her to burn it. When I got home, I ripped the pages that make me depressed; pages including the entry, "If I die of murder, don’t seek for justice." I thought of this because seeking justice, for me, is like seeking revenge, and I know how that can be wrong in so many ways. Anyway, I burned the pages. It is my ritual of letting go of sadness and facing a new life. I thought by burning them, it would be all over. But it wasn't over.

Between March 23 and 24, 2014, late evening and early morning, I had no sleep. There were many thoughts that went through my head. I can't elaborate much of what my thoughts were. There were many of them. I decided that I will just get some sleep at the school clinic. So I went to school, sleep deprived. I left my bag at the classroom. While heading to the clinic, I passed by my classmate by the hallway. I told her to tell our teacher that I will be at the clinic. I went to the clinic and told the nurse that I wanted to sleep because I haven't slept all night. She asked why I haven't slept. My mind was distorted and I couldn't answer. "Nag-internet?" She asked. "Hindi" I answered. "Nagstudy?" "Hindi rin." "Nag-iisip?" A ding sounded off in my head. It was the correct answer. "Oo," I said. The nurse then said that I can only stay in the clinic for 15 minutes. Being delusional, the thought that came into my head was the article I saw in the internet that a person can fall asleep in 15 minutes. So I thought that I can stay longer than 15 minutes if I fall asleep. I agreed with the school nurse. After lying on the bed for 30 minutes, i still couldn't sleep. Thoughts keep running through my head. I decided to go back to the classroom. My classmate and close friend, Lady, wasn't there. We hung out at the mall the day before. She tried to recruit me in networking. She explained the benefits of joining her. I was convinced by her explanation. But I still didn't want to join her. "Ngano? Interesado man kaha ka? Gwapo man kaha ang akong pag-explain? Ngano dii gihapon ka?" She asked. "Proverbs 3:7," I said. "Unsa na?" "Be not wise with your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil". She said okay and kept quiet. We hung out some more and went home. We chatted in Facebook when we got home. "Absent ta ugma Jem. Kapoy apil practice" she chatted. I agreed with her but I was planning to go to school and be absent on the day after.

My other close friend, Spock, was there. We were seated at the back, near the door. There were only two of us in our line. I slipped in class unnoticed. Our teacher was just talking about graduation stuff. While the teacher was doing her thing, I did some weird stuff with Spock, which I normally do. But Spock thought I was acting creepy. Spock knew I was reading Proverbs. She also liked proverbs because it was filled with wisdom. She knew that I was feeling down for the last few days. She was the one who introduced me to the book, Veronica Decides to Die. A few days before she talked about how she wanted to leave the house after graduating and go to college with her own self. She also talked about her father having an affair, her not being a good friend to her best friend, Mesh, and about the gift that she will give Mesh for her birthday. Spock was the rebel type. She doesn't like school that much but she is an honor student. She struggles to maintain her grades but when there is a compulsory event not related to academics, she is always absent. One of my thoughts on the night before was on how I was going to confront Spock about her problems and how I wanted to change from being a rebel. We first sat on the floor and talked. "Dapat i-love man nimo ang imong parents. Papa lang man ghapon nimo siya bisan naa siya'y kabit," I said. Then I kept talking about Proverbs 3:7, that her perspective about her situation isn't as bad as it seems. That she should be "not wise with her own eyes". I don't remember much what happened. But I was sure I cried. I was very emotional. I even cried at small things, like when Spock gave her gift to Mesh. I don't normally do that. But Spock didn't get what was going on. After we finished talking, it was time to go to the gymnasium. I still wanted to sleep at the clinic, so I asked Spock to accommodate me to the clinic, since I know she doesn't want to attend the practice. Therefore, I would be giving her an excuse not to attend. We got to the clinic. We told the student assistant and the nurse our purpose of being there. She told us that if I can't really sleep then I would just have to go let the discipline coordinator and my adviser sign a slip to permit me to go home and sleep. I was cranky and I agreed. Spock was at my back that time. She got paranoid of how I was reacting. I didn't mind her. I took the slip and started searching for Sir Luke, our discipline coordinator. We went to the office, which included 3 different rooms. Two of those rooms were the campus ministry and the disciplinary office. Only Sir Winkle, our campus minister, was there. He didn't know where Sir Luke was.

I decided to search for our adviser, Ms. Clementine. We headed to the gymnasium. The gymnasium was half-closed. There was a crowd of late students outside. Late students were not allowed to join the graduation practice. That was not on my mind that time. I entered and walked fast. Spock was truly scared of me. When she saw Mesh by her seat, she separated from me and went up to her. I sprinted towards our adviser on the stage, not minding all the students staring at me. I was filled with adrenaline and my heart was beating fast. I told her that I wanted her to sign the slip. She read the slip and signed it. She asked why I haven’t had any sleep. The details of what happened next are a little vague but I remember that we went to the backstage to talk.

Her facial expressions looked like I was out of my mind. I sounded crazy. If I were in her shoes, I would react feel the same way. She didn't want me to go home. I was exhausted anyway so I left and said that I was okay after she gave advice to me.

I decided I needed some counsel. The month was March, and it was the season for the signing of clearance. I assumed the guidance counselor would be busy with the students asking for her signature. I figured that I would just ask Sir Winkle for the counsel I need, since he was a campus minister.

I started talking about how I want a confession because I put God to the test. I thought I did that because I misinterpreted of what the law of attraction was. Then he talked softly and slowly. That calmed me down. I told him I wanted to rest at the office because I haven’t had any sleep. He asked if I wanted professional help. “Yes,” I said. “But the guidance counselor is busy with the signing of clearance. He went down to get the guidance counselor anyway.

To be continued...

Just Ailurophilia

Ailurophilia, the love of cats. I love cats, but I also love dogs. Here are some random photos of cats I took.

This fella walked by when I was having lunch.

This one runs away when I come near it.

This kitty looked at me with these eyes when I tried to bury it. :'(

Look at this sneaky bitch. I know a bitch is a female dog but this cat is a female cat.

The twin of the dead kitty. Current status: dead.

Friend said this was accidentally a really good picture.

Masahiro, our currently only living cat.

The setting was epic... for me.

I dunno what the problem of this kitty was.

*Thumbs up*

Just "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

I had a crazy delusion that the song, Wake Me Up When September Ends by Greenday was a prewritten song about me. Let me tell you what I mean by stating my interpretations each line.

Summer has come and passed
It was summer when I was under medication.

The innocent can never last
I thought I was innocent, that I did not do anything wrong. I was filled with anxiety back then.

Wake me up when September ends
There is someone who's birthday is in September who gave me a hard time. After September is October, which is my birth month. I find that in October, I would be happier.

Like my father's come to pass

My close friend's father died that summer.

Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
I realized that I was already 16 that time, that I was growing up.

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends
My ears kept ringing that time. I thought the line meant that he was asking a third party to make the ringing of my ears stop.

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
It kept raining when my depression started.

Drenched in my pain again
I had pain... in my heart. Lol, jk.

Becoming who we are
Didn't really analyzed this line.

As my memory rests
I tried to forget the events that happened.

But never forgets what I lost.
Someone other than my close friend's father died that time. I cried that time. I could not forget. He was like a brother to me.

Wake me up when September ends
I'll sleep 'til this misery ends, I thought back then.

Yup, that's kind of it. There were other songs that I pretty much over-analyzed. Haha.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Just a Day of Bad Luck

July 15, 2015

I woke up at 4 am to get started on my feature article. It all went well. I started preparing for school by 6:30. My class started at 7:30. I arrived at school by 8. I started my day by being 30 minutes late. Being late wasn't that bad. I didn't care because we already finished our prelim exam. Class ended at 8:10. It was supposed to end by 8:30 but the teacher ended it early because they only did was check our test answers. And on the test two on of the exam I got an NFI or Not Following Instruction. So, I got a ZERO out of ten on test two.

I had 1 hour and 15 minutes vacant before the next class. I decided to use the time to start my 2-hour requirement office duty for the school publication. I went to the office. No one was there. There was a reminder on the board to clean the outside of the office. I did just that and sat down. I chatted with my friend in messenger using my phone.

By 9:20, I left the office and proceeded to the classroom. My classmate borrowed my phone for a while to check the text message he sent me last night for our Job Enabling English Proficiency (JEEP) class. I changed the screen timeout of the phone from 15 seconds to 5 minutes to allow him to use it better. When he returned it, I tried to change the time-out back to 15 seconds, but the phone shut down unexpectedly. It went wacko and got broken.

Anyways, our teacher came and we checked our assignments.After the class, I thought the next teacher would come back by 11:00.Because she would give us 30 minutes of her time for our break. It was only 10:30. I lost my USB connector yesterday. I thought I left it at the library, so I went there to get it back. The librarian said the staff didn't see any USB connectors. By then, my USB connector was officially gone.

It was 11:00. I went back to the classroom. The teacher was already there.The exam already started. It didn't matter to me. I finished the test first. I forgot the answer to two items. Still didn't matter. The teacher said to that those who have already finished the test can go. It was 11:15. My next class was at 1:00 pm. I decided to use my vacant time to continue my office duty. I arrived at the office by 11:25. I stayed there and asked the people there what I should do with my broken phone. They said that I need to reboot it. Rebooting would mean I would lose all my data there. F***. I didn't have money to fix my phone. Whatever.

My school publication mates and I talked. I ate my lunch. One wanted me to treat him. They said I have a lot of money. I said that I don't love my money that much to set it free. Haha. I crammed for my exam in my next class. There were many distractions there.

I left the office by 12:50. I finished the required 2 hours. I still had an exam in my next class. I went to the classroom.The teacher still wasn't there. I still had a little more time to study. And by study, I meant cram. The teacher came by moments later. We started the exam. I could answer most of the questions. After I finished 3/5 of the exam, my teacher caught my classmate cheating using a cheat sheet. She said that if one is caught cheating, then all of us will pay. So, we all failed at our prelim exam for the HRM100 course. I was kind of indifferent about this case, even though I shouldn't be. But it didn't really bother me. Huh. It was my habit that when I am frustrated, I break pencils. I didn't have any pencils with me. Instead, I broke my pen.

Anyways, the class ended early. My classmate and I still had to go to a resort to endorse ourselves for our training. But before that, we had to support our other classmate for the pre-selection of a pageant she attended at school. We waited for her turn and my classmate and I left early. We rode a jeep to the resort. While on the way, the jeep broke down. Coincidentally, it broke down in front of a psychiatric infirmary.

Now, the date was 15. I tend to overthink things whether it was destiny or just a coincidence. I thought the date was 15. 1+5=6. 6 is the devil's number, which explains the flood of disasters happening that day. The psychiatric infirmary made it worse. It made me feel that I should go there for overthinking these things. Nah.

We got to the resort. After we finished our business there, I went back to the school to return some papers and get updated on the school publication. I realized that I broke my headgear that was clipped unto my ID sling.

I went home afterwards and went home fine. The things that happened that day didn't bother me too much. The thing that etched a little was my broken phone. I thought a third party or unexplainable being was just testing me. Too bad "it" failed.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Just a Blink-182's song, which I like

"Stay Together For The Kids"

It's hard to wake up, when the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted, it's so pathetic, it makes no sense at all
I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away
What stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it every day
So here's your holiday,
hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away
it was mine, so when you're dead and gone
will you remember this night, twenty years now lost,
it's not right.
Their anger hurts my ears, been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them, it makes no sense at all
I see them everyday, we get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants, and it's what she wants, then why is there so much pain?

So here's your holiday,
hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away.
it was mine, so when you're dead and gone
will you remember this night, twenty years now lost,
it's not right.

So here's your holiday,
hope you enjoy it this time, you gave it all away.
It was mine, so when you're dead and gone,
will you remember this night, twenty years now lost?

it's not right
it's not right
it's not right
it's not right

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Just a News Article

I have joined my school's publication. I'll post it here even though it is not that correct.

Fake Rice: Contains Plastic Softener

     The alleged fake rice bought by a family in Davao City was found to be contaminated with a chemical used to soften plastic last Monday.

     The Food and Development Center discovered a chemical known as Dibutyl Phthalate present in the synthetic rice. Dibutyl Phthalate was used as a synthesizer to bind the starch made from ground powder to make the synthetic rice.

     Dibutyl Phthalate has no effect when eaten, but it is fatal when consumed in high levels.
The Bureau of Food and Drugs (BFAD) is conducting further research on the components of the synthetic rice.

     "Mag-ingat nalang tayo sa pagbili ng bigas. Kung alanganin kayo sa binili ninyo, huwag nalang kainin. Sa National Food Authority na kayo bumili," a representative of BFAD said.

Friday, July 03, 2015

Just a Picture

This picture hit me. It hit me hard.

I will elaborate more on this when I have organized my story.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Just Another Song

Hello there,

The angel from my nightmare, the shadow in the background of the morgue. The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want. Where you can always find me,
and we'll have Halloween on Christmas. And in the night we'll wish this never ends. We'll wish this never ends.

I miss you, miss you
I miss you, miss you

Where are you? And I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. I need somebody and always. This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time.

And as I stared, I counted the webs from all the spiders; catching things and eating their insides.
Like indecision to call you, and hear your voice of treason. Will you come home and stop this pain tonight? Stop this pain tonight.

Don't waste your time on me. You're already the voice inside my head.
I miss you, miss you
Don't waste your time on me. You're already the voice inside my head.
I miss you, miss you

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Just Some Conversations I Make in My Head

"And I, can't fall asleep. I lay up awake at night~ (Scene One by SWS)"
"But it's morning."
"No sun=night"

"Why does it have to be like this?"
"Shut up"

"I try not to think about the pain I feel inside. Ahh... simple plan songs are good"

"You keep talking to yourself. People will think you're crazy."
"I AM crazy."
"I wasn't talking to you."

"Hmmm... I'm daydreaming again."
"Stop thinking. The doctor said no daydreaming."

"What is love?"
"Love is the chemical feeling you get when the pituitary gland secretes hormones."
"Wow, I must be fun at parties."

Why am i posting my thoughts. People will really think I am crazy. Haha.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Just a Post that's not Making any Sense

Screw insomnia. I'm sleeping forever. Lol, joke. I'm kidding.

I know you aren't supposed to joke about these things. I read once in a book that when a person jokes about death, then that person may be suicidal. But I assure you I won't kill myself or harm myself on purpose.

I am sorry for being an attention-seeker. But hey, someone told me that we all seek for attention. Even you seek for attention. Why else would we talk to other people? We cannot deny it.

My opinion sucks. I can't defend myself. I don't know how to voice out. I don't like self-pity, yet I am doing it myself. I'm a hypocrite. I should stop now.

So nobody reads my blog and it's okay. I like it that way. I just post what I want to say. So I can reread it on a free day. I also think blogs are gay. I just do this to make a rhyme, hey! I should stop now.

I don't like promises. The future is uncertain. Feelings change. Circumstances change. It's a sin not to keep a promise. Broken promises disappoint people. I don't want people to be disappointed. Who wants to be disappointed? Why is it supposed to be like this? I'll just answer it. The cliche answer is so we could learn. The quote stating "Everything happens for a reason" is used often. If you can't think of a reason, it would serve as a lesson. See how the sentences of this paragraph connect? No? Me, too. I won't edit it anymore. Too tiring. Nobody reads it anyway. I keep stating that no one reads my blog. But what if someone does? A few actually visits my blog. That only happens once in a blue moon. So yeah, I might be exaggerating if I say that nobody reads my blog. So I should stop now.

I should share about these few months. Should I? I don't like reading long paragraphs. If you are like that too, please forgive me. Forgive me too for not being that interesting. Where am I? Oh yeah. These last few months. Last time I was sad was in April. But that was because of hormones. I hate hormones. Don't ask why hormones. Why am I sharing this? Whatever. Okay. So after that I made new friends. I forgot I was sad. It may seem they are a distraction. But they are actually a cure, one of the cures.

I made these friends through my on-the-job training, at a bakery/cafe. Maybe I just needed to go out more. I don't like going out. If I need to go out, I need tons of money. I know I can go out with friends without spending too much but some things are too tempting.

Bah, this post is getting long. I'll just cut it short. I am happy now. But I still have those blank moments where I think about death. Like come on, we all have those moments.

I'm afraid I might jinx this. Whatever. I accept what the future has to offer.

Btw, I'm not schizophrenic, I think.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Just Late Night/Early Morning Thinking

Please, for once, do not let me do the serenading. I am a girl and the girl should be the one who is to be serenaded, right? That's why most of the songs I like are the ones in which a guy sings.

I like to express my mood through a song. Right now, it's still Darlin' by Between the Trees. Specifically the lines, "and darling i f you're wondering, here's your answer, yes I like you. I can't love you. I can't love you. Oh atleast I do not think I do, yet." Yeah, kind of cheesy.

Last night we hugged and then he kissed my cheek. I felt nothing. I don't know if I should post this or keep this private. No one reads my blog anyway, so I'll post it anyway. Also no one really knows Lana Slaybell.

My head hurts. I drank some cola a while ago. I'm not allowed to drink cola, as told by the doctor. I like to live dangerously. I don't really know what my illness is... or was. I haven't asked.

1:43 am. Now playing: The Day You Said Goodnight by Hale. Hale is a Filipino band. What more should I type? I know, I should stop. Time to say goodnight. The timing of the song is perfect. Well now... Goodnight.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Just Random Typing

My favorite band is My Chemical Romance. Listening to them makes me feel like I am not alone. But, it makes me sink into this despair state I am in. My other favorite band is A Rocket to the moon. If I want to be happy, I listen to them. If I want to be sad, I listen to MCR. These bands are like Yin and Yang to me. But it sucks that both of my favorite bands are now separated. So, because of that, there is no such thing as forever. Just kidding.

I like watching leaves fall. It kind of gives a serene feeling. It's calming.
This gif isn't mine. It's ChuuStar's from DeviantArt.

Another thing I like watching is rain. I mean, who doesn't like watching rain? I like the sight, smell, feeling, and sound of rain. The only thing I don't like about rain is that I catch a cold the next day, and that of it causes floods.

I haven't really watched My Neighbor Totoro. But, I am going to, soon. Don't spoil anything.

What else... I am better than last year. I lost some of my weight. I gained (not weight) new friends this year.

I am an introvert. When at a social gathering, I don't talk much. Others claim they are introverts, but they talk much at social gatherings. I don't know what to think of them. It's better not to judge. Not like any other introverts who don't hate people and get mad at people for stereotyping them that they hate people, I do dislike people. Don't take this the wrong way. I like having friends. It's the crowds I dislike. I don't like crowds. So I don't dislike people, I dislike crowds.

I'm just not a people's person. I don't talk much. I also wonder why people like me.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Just a song entitled Darlin' by Between the Trees

I like the lyrics, and the tune. Click Here to listen to it via YouTube

I've edited it into paragraph form since most of the people don't like reading poems.

This call is meant to be brief. A simple hello ending with goodbye. Then you say hello. Now, I am melting. And now my goodbye becomes a goodnight.

I don't mind if you don't mind. Please say you do not mind if this call goes on all night. Cause I have more to say. My afternoon was okay. My evening was fine but this night, I want it to be the best night
of our lives.

Sweet Darling, this is my confession to the crimes of wanting you badly. And Darlin' if you're wondering, here's your answer, yes I like you. I don't love you. I can't love you, yet.

These calls are getting longer and these nights go on
and on and on forever. I do believe I'm getting better. Knowing you, hopefully all of you.

Sitting watching movies. We both know I do not watch a bit of it. Cause I am much too busy
leaving my hand close enough so you'll hold it.

Sweet Darling, this is my confession to the crimes of wanting you badly. And Darlin' if you're wondering, here's your answer, yes I like you. I don't love you. I can't love you
And I can not stop thinking about you. I can not stop wondering if you're constantly thinking about me. Don't close your eyes,dear,I'm still staring. I won't lie dear, I'm still breathing,
even though your beauty is breath taking.

Sweet Darling, this is my confession to the crimes of wanting you badly. And Darlin' if you're wondering, here's your answer, yes I like you. I can't love you. I can't love you.

Oh at least I do not think I do, yet

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Just a Rant

I gained weight because I had depression. The meds. The delusion. The overthinking. The sleepless nights. The tears. I ate a lot. I stopped school for awhile. So I gained more weight. I was lost. Don't ask me why. Stop asking me questions. I don't know the answer. Can I say I am not okay and not explain why? We barely talk or we don't talk at all and when something big like this happens, now you care?

I haven't experienced any deaths, separation, or anything. Truth is, if I was in an ICU or something, I don't have a best friend that knows about it.

 People say I'm quiet. That I should talk. But when I do say something, you know the rest. I've become less interested on what people have to say. They sometimes don't hear me when I have something to say. Maybe it's because I have a low voice. I don't know.

My sentences aren't making sense with each other. Probably because I am just typing what comes on top of my head. So please stop reading cause all of this is just jibberish. It's late at night and I can't sleep. You don't know what insomnia really feels like until you've really got it. That you have to take medicine for it. Same for depression. Sadness isn't the same with depression. So don't say you're depressed when you're really just sad.

I feel like my heart's going to explode. I try not to think about the pain I feel inside. When I'm feeling down and stuff, I listen to music like most people do.

There are rumors about me. I don't know what they are. But only few people know me so it doesn't matter. One of the reasons why I don't talk much because I hate gossip.

I don't like talking about boyfriends or girlfriends. I've never liked the idea of them. Too much drama. I guess i'm not mature enough to talk about it.

I know I'm just being overdramatic. I won't kill myself. I'm not like that. Cutting, overdose, hanging, poison, etc. To people who cut themselves, I know you have suffered. I feel you for that. I won't tell you to stop or anything, cause I know you won't listen to me anyway. We're not close.

I try not to complain. Cause I don't like people complaining. And I don't want people to hear about my problems. Because I know they have their own. But i'm just a hypocrite. I do what I don't want people do. I try to live by the golden rule the best that I can.
If we meet, I will smile, and it will be a genuine smile. Because I am happy to see you. I will not think of these negative things. And you should not think of these things, too, when you think of me. Because that is not the impression what I want to leave on people. I don't know what impression of me I want them to have.

I tried to keep this private, but I can't take it anymore. Hopefully only few people would read this, because only few friends I have. I like it that way.

Please don't talk about this. But it's okay if some do. People can't avoid gossip. Heck, some people love gossip. And by some, most. I try not to make sense.

I am not okay, but I am fine. And I am getting better.