Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Just a Rant

I gained weight because I had depression. The meds. The delusion. The overthinking. The sleepless nights. The tears. I ate a lot. I stopped school for awhile. So I gained more weight. I was lost. Don't ask me why. Stop asking me questions. I don't know the answer. Can I say I am not okay and not explain why? We barely talk or we don't talk at all and when something big like this happens, now you care?

I haven't experienced any deaths, separation, or anything. Truth is, if I was in an ICU or something, I don't have a best friend that knows about it.

 People say I'm quiet. That I should talk. But when I do say something, you know the rest. I've become less interested on what people have to say. They sometimes don't hear me when I have something to say. Maybe it's because I have a low voice. I don't know.

My sentences aren't making sense with each other. Probably because I am just typing what comes on top of my head. So please stop reading cause all of this is just jibberish. It's late at night and I can't sleep. You don't know what insomnia really feels like until you've really got it. That you have to take medicine for it. Same for depression. Sadness isn't the same with depression. So don't say you're depressed when you're really just sad.

I feel like my heart's going to explode. I try not to think about the pain I feel inside. When I'm feeling down and stuff, I listen to music like most people do.

There are rumors about me. I don't know what they are. But only few people know me so it doesn't matter. One of the reasons why I don't talk much because I hate gossip.

I don't like talking about boyfriends or girlfriends. I've never liked the idea of them. Too much drama. I guess i'm not mature enough to talk about it.

I know I'm just being overdramatic. I won't kill myself. I'm not like that. Cutting, overdose, hanging, poison, etc. To people who cut themselves, I know you have suffered. I feel you for that. I won't tell you to stop or anything, cause I know you won't listen to me anyway. We're not close.

I try not to complain. Cause I don't like people complaining. And I don't want people to hear about my problems. Because I know they have their own. But i'm just a hypocrite. I do what I don't want people do. I try to live by the golden rule the best that I can.
If we meet, I will smile, and it will be a genuine smile. Because I am happy to see you. I will not think of these negative things. And you should not think of these things, too, when you think of me. Because that is not the impression what I want to leave on people. I don't know what impression of me I want them to have.

I tried to keep this private, but I can't take it anymore. Hopefully only few people would read this, because only few friends I have. I like it that way.

Please don't talk about this. But it's okay if some do. People can't avoid gossip. Heck, some people love gossip. And by some, most. I try not to make sense.

I am not okay, but I am fine. And I am getting better.

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