Saturday, July 18, 2015

Just... Something

Uncanniness of Insanity

I never expected I would have to visit the guidance office. I guess I had to expect the unexpected.

It started when we had our retreat last August 2013. The retreat master said to read if we can read thick novel books, how much more we can read the bible. It was a retreat, so I was more religious than usual. When I was alone, I talk to God. Then, I think of sentences after my prayer. I thought that the sentences that I would think of would be God talking to me. Months after our retreat i read the book of proverbs. The verse that struck me most was "Be not wise with your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil." -Proverbs 3:7.

Before that, I read Paulo Coelho's Veronica Decides to Die. I was fascinated by a character that had schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a mental disease where a person makes a reality of his own. I thought having schizophrenia was cool. I even thought I wanted schizophrenia. That's when they say be careful what you wish for.

March passed by and it was the season of Lent. Since it was Lent, I figured I would celebrate the season by being sad. I "fasted", which was one of the reasons that jumpstarted in my mental problem. On the other hand, I wanted to write a book about suicide, since I haven't really found a book about suicide. I started writing whatever came to mind. The title was "Suicidal thoughts of a Suicidal Person". Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal. I showed it to the elementary guidance counselor of our school when I was hysterical during our graduation practice and was sent to the clinic. I said to everyone that I was okay. I really was okay. There was no reason why I cried then laugh after a while. I had perfect grades, a perfect family, and didn't have a relationship with a guy so no relationship problems. It's like, when I look at the floor, it seems like moving. I thought I was losing myself. I didn't really know what schizophrenia was. I deluded myself. I pinched my arms because i try to figure out if i was still in reality. I felt numb that time. Maybe it was because I didn't have any lunch and enough sleep, and the things that only entered my stomach were 2 cups of coffee from the vending machine.

The elementary guidance counselor read my journal. There was a lot of depressing stuff there. There was an entry of why I hate humanity. There was a drawing I made of a girl with a stressed facial expression, holding her face, naked, while her covering her breasts with her arms. The counselor and I talked for aw hile. I calmed down after that, and I was better. I went back to the gymnasium where the graduation practice was. I ripped the entry about suicide, gave it to my friend, and asked her to burn it. When I got home, I ripped the pages that make me depressed; pages including the entry, "If I die of murder, don’t seek for justice." I thought of this because seeking justice, for me, is like seeking revenge, and I know how that can be wrong in so many ways. Anyway, I burned the pages. It is my ritual of letting go of sadness and facing a new life. I thought by burning them, it would be all over. But it wasn't over.

Between March 23 and 24, 2014, late evening and early morning, I had no sleep. There were many thoughts that went through my head. I can't elaborate much of what my thoughts were. There were many of them. I decided that I will just get some sleep at the school clinic. So I went to school, sleep deprived. I left my bag at the classroom. While heading to the clinic, I passed by my classmate by the hallway. I told her to tell our teacher that I will be at the clinic. I went to the clinic and told the nurse that I wanted to sleep because I haven't slept all night. She asked why I haven't slept. My mind was distorted and I couldn't answer. "Nag-internet?" She asked. "Hindi" I answered. "Nagstudy?" "Hindi rin." "Nag-iisip?" A ding sounded off in my head. It was the correct answer. "Oo," I said. The nurse then said that I can only stay in the clinic for 15 minutes. Being delusional, the thought that came into my head was the article I saw in the internet that a person can fall asleep in 15 minutes. So I thought that I can stay longer than 15 minutes if I fall asleep. I agreed with the school nurse. After lying on the bed for 30 minutes, i still couldn't sleep. Thoughts keep running through my head. I decided to go back to the classroom. My classmate and close friend, Lady, wasn't there. We hung out at the mall the day before. She tried to recruit me in networking. She explained the benefits of joining her. I was convinced by her explanation. But I still didn't want to join her. "Ngano? Interesado man kaha ka? Gwapo man kaha ang akong pag-explain? Ngano dii gihapon ka?" She asked. "Proverbs 3:7," I said. "Unsa na?" "Be not wise with your own eyes. Fear the Lord and turn away from evil". She said okay and kept quiet. We hung out some more and went home. We chatted in Facebook when we got home. "Absent ta ugma Jem. Kapoy apil practice" she chatted. I agreed with her but I was planning to go to school and be absent on the day after.

My other close friend, Spock, was there. We were seated at the back, near the door. There were only two of us in our line. I slipped in class unnoticed. Our teacher was just talking about graduation stuff. While the teacher was doing her thing, I did some weird stuff with Spock, which I normally do. But Spock thought I was acting creepy. Spock knew I was reading Proverbs. She also liked proverbs because it was filled with wisdom. She knew that I was feeling down for the last few days. She was the one who introduced me to the book, Veronica Decides to Die. A few days before she talked about how she wanted to leave the house after graduating and go to college with her own self. She also talked about her father having an affair, her not being a good friend to her best friend, Mesh, and about the gift that she will give Mesh for her birthday. Spock was the rebel type. She doesn't like school that much but she is an honor student. She struggles to maintain her grades but when there is a compulsory event not related to academics, she is always absent. One of my thoughts on the night before was on how I was going to confront Spock about her problems and how I wanted to change from being a rebel. We first sat on the floor and talked. "Dapat i-love man nimo ang imong parents. Papa lang man ghapon nimo siya bisan naa siya'y kabit," I said. Then I kept talking about Proverbs 3:7, that her perspective about her situation isn't as bad as it seems. That she should be "not wise with her own eyes". I don't remember much what happened. But I was sure I cried. I was very emotional. I even cried at small things, like when Spock gave her gift to Mesh. I don't normally do that. But Spock didn't get what was going on. After we finished talking, it was time to go to the gymnasium. I still wanted to sleep at the clinic, so I asked Spock to accommodate me to the clinic, since I know she doesn't want to attend the practice. Therefore, I would be giving her an excuse not to attend. We got to the clinic. We told the student assistant and the nurse our purpose of being there. She told us that if I can't really sleep then I would just have to go let the discipline coordinator and my adviser sign a slip to permit me to go home and sleep. I was cranky and I agreed. Spock was at my back that time. She got paranoid of how I was reacting. I didn't mind her. I took the slip and started searching for Sir Luke, our discipline coordinator. We went to the office, which included 3 different rooms. Two of those rooms were the campus ministry and the disciplinary office. Only Sir Winkle, our campus minister, was there. He didn't know where Sir Luke was.

I decided to search for our adviser, Ms. Clementine. We headed to the gymnasium. The gymnasium was half-closed. There was a crowd of late students outside. Late students were not allowed to join the graduation practice. That was not on my mind that time. I entered and walked fast. Spock was truly scared of me. When she saw Mesh by her seat, she separated from me and went up to her. I sprinted towards our adviser on the stage, not minding all the students staring at me. I was filled with adrenaline and my heart was beating fast. I told her that I wanted her to sign the slip. She read the slip and signed it. She asked why I haven’t had any sleep. The details of what happened next are a little vague but I remember that we went to the backstage to talk.

Her facial expressions looked like I was out of my mind. I sounded crazy. If I were in her shoes, I would react feel the same way. She didn't want me to go home. I was exhausted anyway so I left and said that I was okay after she gave advice to me.

I decided I needed some counsel. The month was March, and it was the season for the signing of clearance. I assumed the guidance counselor would be busy with the students asking for her signature. I figured that I would just ask Sir Winkle for the counsel I need, since he was a campus minister.

I started talking about how I want a confession because I put God to the test. I thought I did that because I misinterpreted of what the law of attraction was. Then he talked softly and slowly. That calmed me down. I told him I wanted to rest at the office because I haven’t had any sleep. He asked if I wanted professional help. “Yes,” I said. “But the guidance counselor is busy with the signing of clearance. He went down to get the guidance counselor anyway.

To be continued...

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