Thursday, March 31, 2016

Just a WIP

Work in progress (WIP). It is difficult to draw digitally without a pen tablet. It is not yet finished. I named him Nanako. Yes, it is a him. I like androgynous characters. I have yet to add shading and layers and effects. I have yet to sign it too, because it is still unfinished. Haha. I may draw his counterpart and I will name her Olivia. But I'm still lazy to draw though.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Just a Diet Mantra

I have a diet mantra now. There are a lot of dickheads posting about food in social media and these dickheads aren't helping.

So the mantra. Repeat it a bunch of times and you're/I'm good to go.

"im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat"

Yep. So far, so good. Oh my, is that a cheese burger?

"im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat" "im not gonna eat"

Ok. I'm good now. I am invincible.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Just a Second Letter to Myself

Dear Young me,

     Don't worry, you're making progress in your life by working out. You still haven't gone to school yet. It's been 6 months since you've been there. You visited sometimes to see your friends and your crushes. Haha. Yes, you now have crushes. It's been awhile since you had one. You promised yourself in first grade that you will never have a crush on someone again because of that stupid guy Romel telling your crush back then that you had a crush on him. LOL. You were so young and innocent and naive.

     You are really different now than back then. You really never thought that you would stop school, did you? Well, guess what, you did. You also never thought that you would become suicidal too, right? Guess again, you are now, too. You took some meds and now you are fat because of them. You stopped school twice, and got fat twice. Lesson learned, if you stop school, you'll get fat.

     Sorry if I couldn't give you a degree, if you wanted a degree. I think you never really thought about it. You didn't think about the future. You didn't really care. Now look what you've done. Haha. No hard feelings, though.

     You now use swear words, too. It's all because of that site, 9gag. You curse moderately though. So much for being a goody two-shoes.

     I've gotta tell you something, and you're not gonna like it. I want to end it all soon, like, dying. I don't like living. I know there are more things to see in life, but I've had it. I've seen enough. You didn't have a dream anyway, so there's not much to lose. But you did made a bucket list, and I don't care about one thing in that list. I'm not gonna say sorry for it, 'cause I'm you anyway, only older.

     Now you're 18. You're legal. You're older. You didn't want to move on from age 14. You liked the number 14 for an age. You liked being a teen. You didn't like to be 15 or 16. You wanted to be 14. When you became 17, you wanted to stay 17, because you liked the number 17 too. But now you're neither 14 nor 17. You are now 18. Two years from now you will be 20 and you will no longer be a teen. You will be an adult. You will not be considered as a "youth" anymore, even though you're still young, and I'm not planning to reach that age. I guess 18 years is enough. I want it all to end at 18. I don't want to get any older.

     I guess I will leave it all to fate. I will wait 'til Death comes and visit me. Save me the lecture. I've heard enough.

Love lots,

The 18-yr Old You

Just Kim's Kink

Another perspective on the English grammar. Haha. I like how Kim's tweet having two different meanings.

Follow me on twitter: @christi_slays

Check out Kim's Blog:

Just a Weird Dream

The one time I have a weird dream, my mom asks about it, and that dream happened last night.

I've been wanting to post about my dreams here, just to keep track. But this dream is really weird and kind of Rated-R. Haha. Yup. I will share a bit of it though; it involves people getting naked. Haha. I mean, it's not like I'm the only one who dreams about naked people, right?

Yeah, let's just keep it there. It really was a weird dream.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Just a Sh*tty Flower Poem

A flower
that I picked in the garden
I pluck the petals one by one
they also fall one by one
it ends with "He loves me not."
I fall to my knees
I cover my eyes
I hold my chest
He saw me, weak and fragile
he took my hands
and saw tears in my eyes
he wiped them away
He held my face
with his right hand
it was warm and rough
filled with callus
from all the work he has done
he said he was leaving me
I held my gut
then he went away
I turned around to the garden
where I picked the flower
I saw all around
they weren't in color
I never thought that destiny
could be so harsh
I never thought that the petals
could never been more right
The flower, that is now black and white

I know, not one of my best poems. That's why I added "sh*tty" in the title.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Just a Take on "Tuna" a Prompt by Andrea

Time flies by. It has been a week since I tried to lose weight. I have worked out everyday last week. I have degraded my diet to only tuna. Tuna for breakfast, tuna for lunch, and tuna for dinner. But as the days pass by, I can't seem to lose the weight I have gained, gained through the pills that made me less depressed, pills that made me sleep on sleepless nights, pills that made me forget about the pain I am feeling. I stress eat when I feel sad. I stress eat to everything. Heck, I am already binge eating and it feels so good. With all the workout I'm doing, food seems to look and taste better. Yes, I degraded my diet to tuna, but I eat 12 cans of tuna fish with every meal I take, and I can't stand looking this way, being fat and ugly, thinking no one will like me.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Just a Poem of Regret

You were Romeo when I first saw you
but I wasn't Juliet when you did
no, I was far from Juliet
I was Rosaline, your first love, your unrequited love
You loved me first
but you loved another
and for that love came a price
a price that is costly
and the cost was your life

If only I knew what would happen
if only I knew you would give your life for the one you love
if only I knew what you would risk
if only I knew...
if only I knew, you would still be here.

But I didn't know.
I was naive to think that you weren't enough
I didn't see what was coming
I guess I deserved it.
I had to see you go away
I never saw it coming

You were ready to move on
rather, you have moved on
if I came to you while you were happy with her,
it's like I'm gonna build you up all over again
but you were done...'re done gone.

Now I suffer
our fate interchanged
I suffer to be the one with the unrequited love
and I realized that I loved you
when it was too late...
it was too late...

Just Music

I was about to upload a video about me playing guitar, revealing my face, but it seems that it exceeded the MB limit to upload. It's sad that you won't be able to see my face, yet. Like I said in my description, I am a musician. I can play a variety of instruments. They are guitar, banduria, oktabina, laud, violin, cello, bass, piano, flute, flute recorder, cymbals, castanets, the triangle, xylophone, and lyre. I know they're a handful, and I am proud to know how to play them. I am a musician, yet I don't know how to cifra. That's my only weakness. I can't sing that well too. When I was learning to play the guitar in Rondalla, we weren't allowed to sing. Haha. How sad.

Just a Simple Happiness

Simple acts like these bring me happiness ^_^

Don't forget to check this person's blog, too. It's  JAYRENEE; The bold Journey

It's a great blog and I think some of you will like it too. :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Just Lunch Time

It's already lunch time and I haven't had lunch yet. I already worked out and my belly still feels big. I feel so fat. :( Is it okay to skip lunch for now? I know it's unhealthy but I'm a little desperate. Everyone I meet and know is calling me fat already. They always say that I got fat. It was the meds okay? I stopped taking them 'cause all the meds ever did was make me fat and miserable. It's already 1pm. I don't feel hungry at all. Maybe it's just a water diet then. I know I'll eat later because that's how fat I am. Diet sucks.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Just a Filipino Poem

Ako'y isang makata
Ingles ang aking wika
at kahit ito'y hindi Filipino
ako pa rin ay isang Pilipino

Pinoy ang dugo ko
at ito'y ipagmamalaki ko
ngunit dahil sa mga pinuno
ako'y kusang dumurugo

Kailan kaya tayo umahon
mula dito sa Ikatlong Mundo
sa panahon ba kung tapos na
o sa panahong gumunaw na ang mundo

Just "A Colorful Anticipation"

Waiting for you is like waiting for someone to invent a new color,
it may never come, it may be possible
by the time that moment comes, it will be beautiful
that new color will be my new favorite color

And everyone else will think otherwise
and I want you to be that one to invent that color
because it will be you who'll know my favorite things
but until that time arrives, I will continue to wait.

Just "Faces"

By: Jema & Harold

I have reached far in search of  a face
I saw nothing
Nevertheless, I still struggle to find one
I was bleeding, breathing, and dying at the same time
But with the earned blood, sweat, and tears, I managed to find one
And then I lost myself
I tried to keep myself together
I was in stitches, still broken sewn together, but broken
The face I found glued my broken pieces
I was about to touch her, when suddenly she broke apart
I tried to pick her up, but she slipped through my fingers, like the sand in the beach
So I tore myself apart, threw myself to her, and we were together, forever inseparable

Just Skip This Post (What's in a Name?)

Okay. So I am admitting something big with you. Maybe it's better that you skip reading this post. I was not planning on telling you this. But I guess you have to know.
My real name is not Lana Slaybell. Some of you may already know my real name, 'cause some of you are my real life friends. I guess I already have told you this in the post explaining my trademark that my initials are JC.

I like the name Lana Slaybell. It is a made-up name, and a unique one, too. I have created a pseudonym for myself so I can use it if ever I will become an author of a book, just like Dr. Seuss. It's a shame I wasn't able to use Lana Slaybell as a pseudonym in the lampoon issue of Duh! Mock! Shame! (DMMAxim). "Lana", in my native dialect, means "oil". Oil doesn't mix. Just like me, I don't like to mix with people. "Slaybell", hmmm, I guess there is no hidden message behind this last name. I made the name Slaybell when I was in a psychotic frenzy, always overthinking until I reached another world, kind of a schizophrenic world... where I was sinking in a deep abyss... ok. 'Nuff about that.

My real name. It is really tough admitting it here. My real name is precious. My father really thought hard about it. It is a combination of two religious names. That's what I like about it. First syllable stands for Jesus, the second, Mary. JeMa. My first name is Jema. My mom while she was pregnant with me, she watched TV and thought that Christine Jacob from a local show was very pretty, so she named me Christine. My second name is Christine. Jema Christine. My country was colonized by Spaniards for 333 years. Filipinos had to fight them and had to take on Spanish surnames. My middle name is Spanish, with the meaning, "breast". My middle name is Seno, my mother's maiden name, initialized as S. Jema Christine S. Finally, my last name, is the same with a famous corrupt Filipino politician, even though we are not related. My last name is Enrile. My full name is Jema Christine S. Enrile.

I already told her that it was J-E-M-A
and she still manages  to get it
wrong. The smiley face doesn't
make up for it.
What's tough about my name is that MS Word always thinks that it is spelled wrong. That breaks my heart :'( Also, I can't find my name in Coca-cola bottles or souvenir shops. People can't even spell it right the first time they write it. Some even still gets it wrong even when I have already told them the spelling.They always spell it as Gemma, Jemma, or Gema. Guys, it's J-E-M-A, JEMA. J for jaguar, not G, only one M. Got it? People also get the pronunciation wrong. They pronounce it as JIIIMA, instead for just plain old Je-ma. Come on people, you can get all the other things about me wrong, but get my name right.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Just "Buried Dreams" Comic

Yay! I have made a comic on paper. I'm just a noob. It's not that good. So many inconsistencies on the body parts and faces. I'll try coloring it in the future.

Charlie: What are you doing, Archie?
Archie: Burying my dreams.
Charlie: Oh, I see. Can I bury mine there, too?

Just Monday, March 21, 2016

Today, I went to the McDonald's with my DMMAxim student publication friends. I bought a happy meal and chose the Dumpling Eating Contest Li figure. I chose it because it was a figure of a panda eating, and who doesn't like watching a panda eat? haha. Liza cried earlier in the office. It was because our seniors squished her. She went to the comfort room to cry by herself there.

I haven't had a chance to exercise today, too lazy.  I guess I'm declaring Monday as my rest day. I should be sure to work out tomorrow, and double the load to compensate for today's loss. When I visited today they kept on telling me that I got fat, which is true. I have a big belly. I drew eyes on my stomach and lips on my belly button and made my belly talk. I thought it was hilarious, they thought I was weird, which I really am. They said I was unsanitary. I already knew that, though.

Just Lacking a Title

I never knew back then what this all meant.
I sought peace in chaotic things,
searched for color in black and white,
I stepped backward instead of forward,
wanted warmth in Tundras,
and even extinguished the fire, when I wanted light.

Just a Pizza Poem

As I sit here and eat pizza,
     I stare at you munching yours

I wonder do you taste it like I do
     the cheesy goodness w/ every bite

I look at the triangles resembling Illuminati
     the triangles I'm about to eat

I will cherish this moment, right now
     as this moment gives me delight

                 — Jema Enrile eating pizza w/ Bins

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Just a Bowl of Rice

As I fill my bowl with steaming rice, I recount the years I have spent in this world of ours. I remember that I was a miserable little girl, only eating rice throughout my whole life. The rice was oh so tasteless, so I sprinkled them with tears I got from memories that made me cry. You might think it is gross, but it’s the closest I had to salt. We were so poor that we couldn’t even afford salt. As I stuffed my face with rice, I continued pouring tears in my bowl of rice, making it a soup of tears. I cried so hard, as to why my life is like this. Even so, it filled my hunger, and I was contented. I realize that it is not so bad eating rice seasoned with tears, because rice without tears, is oh so tasteless.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Just "Potatoes", a Prompt by Alexis

I got to the point where I craved potatoes. I bought french fries from a nearby fast food chain. I put it in the fridge, thinking I could eat it later. But when I returned, it wasn't there anymore, just like you. Why did you eat my fries just like that and leave? You couldn't think better that I was hungry and craving for fries. These weird PMSs I'm having, and you took away my oil-filled crunchy potatoes I had, and they were the only ones I had. I should have gone and ate those fries right away, just like I should have done with you. But no, the fries are gone and you are too.

Just a Morning Post

Okay, so my brother bought a new keyboard, and it feels so good typing on it. I'mma type my heart out with this keyboard. Hahahaha.

Two days in a row, I jogged early in the morning. I woke up and took a bath. I know it doesn't make sense to take a bath first before exercising but eh, mother's orders. If I did otherwise she would start nagging me.

As I jogged through the morning neighborhood, I watched the sky as it slowly gets colored. From the black starry night comes the lilac sky turned to the hue of blue. I watched the feather-shaped clouds as they drifted up above, while blown by the wind. I continued jogging to lose the pounds I gained when I stopped school, from the stress-eating I did while being infected with bipolar.

I went home after, feeling tired and sweaty, and no, my journey has just begun. I needed to workout. A 7-minute workout with three circuits. I jumped up and down, pushed up and down, leaned against a wall, etc. It's so frustrating when you need to tire yourself out just to get the body you desire so much.

I was done working out. Time to rest. I ate some pizza my dad made last night. I went to the computer. I turned it on. *Tac* *tac* *tac* goes the keyboard as I typed this. I love this new keyboard. It's giving me type-gasm, if there's such a thing.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Just a Simple Comment

(Hi Lana. You are so cute already. Let's have a date!!!!)

It's only just a picture, right? Just a simple comment. Something so simple, yet it made my day. It led to a mix of chain reactions. But that's the problem. It made me feel things the way I shouldn't. You were the one who wanted this, but didn't even try to make it happen. I asked twice, still nothing happened. I admitted I had a crush on you jokingly. I guess that was all it was, just a joke.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Just a Poem Entitled, Collide

I wonder
what if the cars collided with me
that if I leave this world,
I left it with an impact.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Just a Story of a Girl who Jumped off of a Cliff

I jumped a cliff, but not just any cliff. The cliff reached the heavens. Down below was a sea of dead bodies, which I figured that, jumped from the same cliff. When I reached the bottom, it was ecstasy, if that’s the word. I was very high. My body flew like it was weightless. I felt so happy that I did not feel my troubles worry me. Of course, I was dead.

It wasn’t my body, it was my soul. It separated from my body. God, I was exuberating with joy. I never felt that exultant. I was lifted up. Next thing I know, I felt pain at my back. I guess it was give-and-take. Pain for the joy I had. The pain was so excruciating that I vomited. I didn’t think it was possible for a soul to vomit. It wasn’t like human vomit. It was like the aurora borealis coming out of my mouth, filled with bright colors. The pain continued, and then, wings came out of my back. My wings took me higher to the sky, and the pain was gone. I was back in my euphoric state.

I traveled around. I tasted the clouds, manipulated the thunders, and felt the wind beneath my wings. After a while, I got bored. I decided to go back to my hometown. I flew back to the place where I was from. I sat by a skyscraper. I could see the city. It was already night time, so the metropolis was glowing with lights. There was a newspaper blown by a wind. I caught it. It was yesterday’s paper. The headline says “Girl jumps of Cliff of Heaven and dies”. I read the details. The girl’s name was Elena Roive.

The girl’s name seemed familiar. I can’t shake the feeling that I knew her from somewhere. My head hurt from thinking about it. I didn’t think it was possible, considering I am only a soul now. I flew to an apartment. I knocked at room 401. Huh, it didn’t make a sound. I pushed my hand through the door. It went through, dragging my whole ‘body’ with me. In the room, I saw a coffin. It was brown. I always wanted a brown casket. It was decorated with white roses, coming from different families. On the coffin lid was a ribbon with the words “in loving memory of Elena Roive”. It was the girl from before. I looked through the glass. I saw the girl’s face, scratched with scars and bruises. I looked closely, and then I remembered, the girl was me. I turned around; saw people with sad faces, weeping. I was paranoid. I looked in the mirror. I saw my reflection, only it wasn’t the same with the girl in the casket. I only saw a glowing light outlining a body, kind of like a white fire, mixed in with the aurora. I held my head down. It was painful. It sent me to my knees. And then, a force sucked me into a portal and teleported me to another place. I lost my memories of what happened next.

I woke up. Everything was white. It was only me. I tried to remember what happened. So my name is Elena Roive, or at least I used to be. I sat down and grabbed my knees. I rested my head on my knees. I heard a sound. Kind of like those lasers. I looked afar; there was not a thing in sight. Then I heard someone whisper “boo” in my ear. I was startled. I turned around and I saw a guy, with wings. He had a piece of paper. He read it.

“Hmmm. Elena Roive, jumped of the Cliff of Heaven. I see,” he said. He then showed me the paper he was holding. It said “Elena Roive: jumped off of the Cliff of Heaven”.

“Do you know what this means?” he asked while burning the paper with his hands. I shook my head no. “It means that you will be stuck here forever, in this white abyss. It’s not all that bad. Now you have enough time to think and contemplate about your past life. I’ll leave you here then. Bye!” “Wait!” I screamed as he snapped his fingers and disappeared into a tiny light.

What did he mean by that? I still had my wings, though. I can contemplate about my past life? Oh right, I jumped off a cliff, and not just any cliff, THE Cliff of Heaven. There are a lot of rumors about that cliff. Well, I guess this was one of it, getting stuck in a white abyss once you die.

I lied down and started thinking of what made me jump off the cliff. My memories from my past are slowly coming back to me now. It led me back a few weeks ago. I was practicing with my musical instruments. Music was my life. I remember having a phone call that day. It didn’t go so well. It was from my friend. He said he wants me to come over to his place, to which I did. I brought with me some food.

When I got there, he greeted me with a kiss. I thought he was having a hard time. He was just a friend to me. It really surprised me. I pushed him away. The food was wasted.

“I’m sorry. I have to tell you something,” he said.

“What the bananas is wrong with you?” I asked.

“I’m sorry. Lena, I have to tell you. I like you, a lot,” he said.

He proceeded to kiss me again. This time, I didn’t have the strength to fight him. He was too strong. He dragged me to his bed room. He reached his hand in my shirt and groped me. I tried to get away. He pulled me back. I was screaming. He continued to kiss me. I tried to kick him away to no effect. He started taking his shirt off. He unbuttoned mine. He touched my butt, and started to reach into my skirt. He started to remove my underwear. He pushed me to his bed. He unbuttoned his pants and started to rape me.

When he was done, I cried, hard. I clothed myself. He tried to help me, but I just pushed him away. I left as fast as I could. He tried to call out to me to try to explain everything but I was already gone. I reached home and cried there.

My flashback ended as I opened my eyes. I was still there, in the white abyss. I realized I wanted to escape. This wasn’t heaven. I don’t want to be agonized by my memories. So I flew up. I flew higher and higher. It seemed like the sky was infinite. When I was so high, I bumped to a ceiling and gravity was reversed. The ceiling was now the ground. I was back to where I was from. I lost my consciousness from the impact.

I was back in my house. I awoke after I cried. I checked the time, it was 6pm. I heard a knock on the door. I fixed myself before opening it. It was him again. I slammed the door in front of his face.

“I should explain” he said as he knocked the door again.

I opened the door.

“Okay. Go on.”

“Can I come in?”

I invited me to come in my house. We sat at the living room.

“I really like you a lot, Lena.” He said.

“But that is no excuse for what you did, Rex.” I responded.

“Lena, I…” “Get out!” “But” “Get out, now!”

Rex went headed to the door. “I just want to say I am very deeply sorry for what I have done. And all I wanted was to protect you.”

I closed the door and cried again. How was raping me trying to protect me? All of this was so messed up.

The next week, I heard the news that Rex has died. I also haven’t been feeling well for a couple of days. The news didn’t help.
I realized that I skipped a period. I couldn’t believe it. I bought a pregnancy test to make sure. It was negative. I peed on it again to make sure. Still, it was negative. One last time, it was positive. My head was filled with thoughts of how I was pregnant with Rex’s child. I couldn’t stand of the thought of being a mom, especially being a rape victim.

I couldn’t handle it. It was too much, too much pain. The father of my child is dead. I was a rape victim, with a child. I would be a single mom. I’ve never cried so hard. I really couldn’t believe it. So I went to the doctor to make sure.

I breathed a sigh of relief that it was just a false pregnancy test and that I wasn’t pregnant. But, in came the bad news. She said I had a cyst in my ovary, and it was too late for it to be treated. It wasn’t treatable, she said. She gave me approximately a year to live.

First, I was raped. Then, I got a cyst. What could possibly go wrong, right? When I got home, I realized I haven’t locked the door, and guess what? I got robbed. All of my instruments were gone, all of them. My guitars, my piano, my flute, my violin, my drums, all of them, all of them were gone. I called the cops. The line was busy. It seemed like there were other things they were busy to attend to.

I heard a loud crash. I looked outside. There was smoke rising. I went there. It looked like the guys who tried to steal my instruments crashed their stealing truck. Huh, just my luck. The other people around the area helped me contact the police and bring the stolen instruments back to my house. From there, one of the guys who robbed me shot me.

I opened my eyes. I was in the white abyss again. Everything was white. I lied down on the floor. A tear fell from my eye. What did I do to deserve all of this? I looked at my hand, and it looked like my hand, not like the reflection I saw in the mirror back at the apartment. I looked at my wings. They looked beautiful. I started to walk. I walked forward. I walked for minutes. Then the minutes turned to hours. It seemed like the abyss really was infinite.

I sat down and rested, still recounting the days when I was still alive. I remember waking up in the hospital. The pain from the gunshot wound was still lingering. He shot me on my hip. God, it was so painful. I wanted it all to end. I heard whispers at the end of the room. it was something about someone jumping off from “The Cliff of Heaven”. I heard rumors of that cliff, one stating that if you jump from that cliff, you would go to heaven, even though suicide leads you to hell.

A guy in a white uniform came to me. “Good news, Ms. Elena Roive,” he said. “You can be released today. Don’t worry about the bill. Someone has already taken care of it. And don’t worry about the guy who shot you. It was found that he has committed suicide.”

He did not say what kind of suicide. But I figured he jumped off that “cliff”. I heard rumors of that cliff; one stating that if you have killed someone, that cliff will call out to you to jump off of it.

I came back to my senses. Time. I became unaware of the time I had spent in that abyss. I don’t know if it was already days, months, or years I have been here. I have forgotten about the concept of time. I guess with all the time I have here, I can play all I want. I flew high, to feel euphoria. I looked down at all the white down below. I looked up at all the white above. From left to right, forward and back, everything was white. Even time was white. I flew too high again and bumped my head, again. 
Gravity switched too. I didn’t lose consciousness this time. I just rested with my back on the ground.

I was at home again. I felt pain, not by my hip, but by my womb. It didn’t seem normal. Maybe it was the cyst acting up. I visited my doctor if she could give me any pain killers.

“Good news,” she said. “Turns out, you don’t have a cyst. It was actually a fetus. You are pregnant! And it’s a boy! Congratulations!” she said with a wide grin on her face.

I didn’t know how to feel about it. Should I feel happy that I wasn’t dying? Or should I not be happy because I am bearing the son of a rapist?

I went home feeling tangled up inside. There’s a baby inside me, an unwanted baby. I don’t know what gone into my head. I decided not to keep it. I decided to abort him. But I wanted the baby to have a name; I decided its name to be Axle.

I know, naming a baby and deciding to abort it is the evilest thing a person will do. But that baby is made from evil. And it should die the evilest thing possible, abortion.

I went to my doctor to have an abortion. She was surprised about it, but didn’t refuse. Three hours in the operating table and the operation was a success. I have aborted Axle. I thanked my doctor and went home directly. When I got home, I started to hear a voice.

“Do you want to go to heaven? Let’s go to heaven.”

I followed the voice to where it was. I was walking. I didn’t notice that I was already outside the city and was already climbing a mountain.

“Come closer” it said.

I went higher, next thing I know I was already at the cliff.

“Jump,” the voice said. “You will feel happier than ever before. You will not have any worries.”

“I trust you,” I said to the voice. I shouldn’t have trusted it. If I haven’t, I wouldn’t be in the abyss now.

Another tear fell from my eye. One of the rumors was true. If you have killed someone, that cliff will call out to you to jump off of it.

I cried loudly. I punched the floor while I was hurting inside. I never thought a soul can still feel pain. Apparently, it still can. I punched and punched and punched, until I heard something.

I heard my mother cry. I wiped off the fog on the floor, and there, I saw my funeral, from above. I screamed at the people there.

“Mom, I’m still here!” I cried. “Can’t you hear me?” My voiced cracked as I was about to cry again. I punched the floor again, calling the people below. They can’t hear me. They cannot hear me…

I watched as they lowered my body in the hole they dug for me. It was depressing to watch. I regretted the day that I followed the voice that led me here.


That was the name of my son to be. He was the boy who was not given the chance to live, the baby who didn’t stand a chance.

I am so sorry…

I thought of why Rex did that to me. He said that he wanted to protect me. Who the heck protects someone by raping them? Now I know, being in this abyss, with some time for thoughts. He was protecting me from others. He wanted to be the one who pops my cherry. That was his sign of possession. He wanted me. He said he liked me a lot. I also heard that Rex was already dying, to which he did.

Now I remember. It was my own will. No one called me to go to that cliff. I wanted to die. Suicide is also like abortion, so many people want to be an authority on saving a life, but no one gives a shit how that person has to get through life afterward. I figured that I was already suffering enough, that I was going to die anyway. Being raped, being pregnant, being robbed, and being shot to the hip, everything was so miserable. Prior to me dying, my father died.

Yes, my father died. He had a heart attack. Everything happened in less than a month, and how my friends reacted didn’t help. You see, my father was overweight. My friends made fun of me for him being overweight. I remember one of them saying “guess he got what he deserved for being so fat”. I thought they were my friends though.

I didn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t handle the pain. So I decided to kill myself, by jumping off the Cliff of Heaven, because they said that if you jump from this particular cliff, you would still go to heaven.

And I believed that silly rumor. It’s such a shame that I did. It left me here, all alone, watching the lives of other people, regretting everything that I have done, and wishing that I was still alive.

Sunday, March 06, 2016

Just a Funny Thing and Actually My 100th Post

So I've got to share this because I can't get it out of my head and I keep laughing my ass off right here. It's also worth remembering and sharing. So earlier, I went to the DMMAxim office, you know, the school publication I was in, to visit, and while staying there, my batchmate was lying down on the sofa, with his legs rested on the backrest. He had a rip on his pants by the crotch area. I didn't mind telling him 'cause I think he knows already. We were watching TV. Sometime later, without him noticing that I notice him, he reached his hand into the rip in his pants and scratched his crotch. After he did it, I thought to myself "smell your hand". And guess what? He did just that. I stood up and burst into laughter. He asked me why I was laughing. I told him what happened. And he just didn't mind and just smiled. Man, you should've seen it. It was funny in a disgusting way. It was disgustingly funny! XD

Also, last friday, I visited too. They were practicing a dance, and this other batchmate was talking to our senior about some matters. While they talked, I saw my batchmate reach into his pants. I just stared while he did that, not thinking it was funny at all and that it was very disgusting. Little did I know that my other senior saw that too and said "Ayaw ana, Ford" ("Not like that, Ford" or something like that) and "Unsa man na Ford uy" ("What the heck is that Ford"). Ford did not hear my other senior and I looked at him and laughed, hard. It was the way he said it that made me laugh. It's still funny until now. Haha.

The first one was waaaaay funnier. I can't see him the same way again. LOL

Shout out to Kristine and Reuxben. @Kristine: I've posted a happy moment and drew it. Haha. Hope you like it. ^_^

Edit: This is actually my 100th post, not the other one. I did not realize that I have a draft that I did not post. So yeah.

Just My 100th Post

Hurrah! It's my 100th post, and with that, I'm gonna share to you my brother's drawing of Finn & Jake. It's got a morbid feel to it, and he set it as our desktop wallpaper. Haha.

He's actually not a good artist. But this one's pretty good for him. Now vast in its awesomeness.

He doesn't know that I uploaded it here and on twitter. I hope you guys don't tell him.

I guess this is pretty much it. I'll end my 100th post here. Hope you guys like it. ^_^

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Just Poem Wars with My Friend Part 4

vagina farts lazer darts car parts and love these are the things that dont make sense
she takes of her clothes
he wears his
she wears his
he is shocked

they went to a beach they sat om the sand she slowly wrote his name on the sand he stands up and says, cool, wanna fuck?
he caresses my hair I touch his skin he holds my waist and I just grin

skin tight wrist bright morning sun tan zan
the dog goes to where its owner goes the owner goes where his love goes his love goes to where her love goes her love goes to poop mangoes

Just Poem Wars with My Friend Part 3

hey you with no hair you are beautiful hey you, i know you're dying hey you, you give me life
if i was gone tonight
tell the stars what you want to say
tell the heavens your wishes
because baby, i will not stay

Maybe not tonight maybe not today maybe 700 flowers maybe chicken wings
when the day is over
i just sit here infront of the computer
thinking of what could have been
the things that cannot be unseen

when i poke my anus i smell it i smell the past, the present, the future and also, my lunch earlier
i think of you
and it hurts
my heart exploding
from all the hurt

roses are red fuck the world
you were going to say something
but i couldnt hear a thing
so i inched closer to you
and you leaned in for a kiss
roses are orange my dick smells likenred
ur ten
the setting sun always gets me
the rising sun, i can't always see
the rainbow in the clouds so colorful
the lilac sky makes me sorrowful

roses are flowers violets are blue potatoes are vegetables what r u
here we are again in this crazy den you wanted to leave but i grabbed your sleeve

here we are again in this crazy den you wanted to leave but i grabbed your dick
believe me or not i do this weird thing where I say hello to strangers and just walk away

believe me or not i do this weird thing where I say 'bananas are forever to strangers and just walk away
you get one extra turn for that

grey goose chippin in the bathroom blood stains, ball gowns surprise its ur period.