Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Just What's Up

I'm catching up with the blogs I followed. It's been a long time since I viewed them. I really have a lot of catching up to do. But I'm not viewing all of them. Just the ones that really interest me.

Edit: I stopped browsing the blogposts when I reached the ones from 5 weeks ago. There are just too much. Ugh.

Just Longing...

This feeling of longing...

It's killing me from the inside.
I am suffocating.
You're so far away.
You're not near enough for me to reach.

I want you to hold me.
So close that you'll never let go.
Come into my arms.
We'll make it last forever.

I think about you day and night.
Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
God, I miss you so much.
Why do you have to make me feel this way?

Please... just please... come back home soon...

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Just Late Night Thoughts Note #1

Why do people kill themselves?

I don’t know how to type all of this without me wanting to roll my eyes. I mean, I would, if I read about these kind of stuff written by other people. Yeah, yeah, sorry if I may want you to roll your eyes. You can do that right now. Then, when you’ve had enough of eye-rolling, please go on reading without doing so.

So instead of me telling why people kill themselves, I would tell you something else. I will tell you why people want to kill themselves. Or rather, why I want to kill myself. 

The answer is not simple. Writing it is better. Speaking it is hard. You need a day to organize your thoughts. The topic is quite sensitive. You need to choose your words carefully or people will misinterpret it. The lay-out of the article is important, too. If I place it in bullet form or list it with numbers, it would be easier to the eyes. If I place it in paragraphs, it would seem more casual and flowing, like it seems like I am directly speaking to you.

Why should I not get to the point already? The first line gets me hooked. I don’t know with you. If it was another person who wrote this, I would get impatient and skip ahead because it does not get to the point to the topic that I want to read. By typing all these stuff, I get more time to think of the reason. And I would get you built up to the climax. I would also like to make this article longer, so you would eventually might want not to read it, because I don’t want you to know all these stuff. 

Not everyone seeks help. Not everyone tells somebody that they are suffocating. They don’t want to bother them with their own problems. They are afraid that they would just get some eye-rolls. People might not show suicidal people rolling their eyes in front of them, but inside their minds, they already are. That’s what I think. On some cases though. I only mentally roll my eyes when the kid’s problem is only a messed-up eyeliner. But we are afraid of that. We are afraid when people just turn their backs at us and walk away. We are afraid of everything. So if a person gathered so much guts just to seek help from you, it really is a big deal.

Someone sought help from me. But it was not a “comfort me” type of help that that person wanted. It was a “help me think of a way to kill myself” kind of help. I didn’t know how to react to that, since I have already failed around 3 suicide attempts. 

And then I thought, should I stop this guy from wanting to kill himself? Or should I give him the support he wants? If he wanted support, I didn’t know what kind it was. It was really vague. I didn’t know if he literally was asking a real method to die or that he just wanted to talk to me… wanted to talk about all the shit he has been through. It was 70% that it was the latter he wanted. I went with the former one.

But I did not suggest methods of suicide. I only shared to him my suicide attempts, and that I failed. He then proceeded that I did not deserve death, that I was better than him. I kind of wanted to roll my eyes. He wasn’t the one to say that. We all suffer in different ways. I just wanted to talk him out of it. But I didn’t. I did not stop him. I told him that it would be hypocritical of me to tell him to stop his intentions. Still, he wouldn’t listen. And I knew that. So I recommended him to talk to my friend, who I thought knew what she wanted to say. 

I still haven’t started writing about what brought you here, or what started me to write. “Why do people kill themselves?” I did mention that I would write about why I want to kill myself, right? The question really is hard to answer. I need a thousand words to explain this. I already typed 723 words and I’m still far from answering the question. It is like the question from the hardest exam that most of the people can’t answer… that most of the people get wrong. 

Misery… suffering… shortcut… euphoria… ending… anger… sadness… happiness… endless… difficulty… pain… 

Eleven words. Maybe I don’t need a thousand words after all? Is it really as simple as that? From these eleven words, eleven thousand more words branch out from them. Are they really self-explanatory? Should I not dig deeper for the reasons? 

I’d like to feel a little emotion from writing this. But somehow, I feel indifferent. I want to be soaked by my own tears but I can’t manage to do it. Maybe I’ve tolerated enough pain to acquire this numbness inside me.

Is this the reason I want to kill myself? To feel pain again? I’ve been bruised and scarred so many times. It’s so cliché that wounds heal and scars don’t. Why not leave yourself wounded? So you could remember the pain that is inflicted on you? 

I really sound stupid, I know. Moving on is one of the reason why wounds should heal… why you shouldn’t remember the pain but the happiness. I sometimes have this dumb thought that some of the emotions might feel left out that you should feel all of them equally. Sometimes your sad emotion wants to be felt to. Sometimes your anger wants to be unleashed. Maybe most of your emotions are jealous of your happy emotion, because that’s the emotion that you want most. 

I like villains in shows. I like scrutinizing their personalities. I want to know the reason why they cause havoc. Maybe they have experienced so much pain in the past. They have the tendency to be misunderstood.

Misunderstanding… inequity… intolerance… humanity… mortality… dishonesty… hate… non-resistant… weak… envy… jealousy… 

Eleven more words. 

I just remembered the book entitled Looking for Alaska and how the protagonist liked last words. They were wondering whether Alaska had an accident or she committed suicide. Then there’s the book entitled Falling Into Place, where Liz planned her suicide by crashing her car to make it look like an accident. Liz lives in the end, by the way. 

These two girls have two different reasons to die. But they are fictional characters. None of the events that happened to them are real. Why can’t pain and suffering be fictional too? Why does negativity exist? Why does the world need to be balanced by equating the good with the bad? 

Okay. Maybe it’s time for me to answer as to why I wanted to kill myself. The word I am thinking now is: 

Nothingness… 

Sometimes when I lie in bed and stare at my thoughts, I look back on the past so much that I feel like there is nothing. Now this is the part where it gets complicated… where people misunderstand. We all know we should read between the lines, right? You may have already thought that what I meant by “nothing” is not just plain “nothing”. 

It’s not that I feel like a Nobody. I know that I am somebody. I have people who love me. I just feel like there’s nothing. It’s like when you’re pinching yourself, and it hurts. But it’s just that. It hurts. It’s when you touch your arm, and you feel that it’s there. And that’s it. After you leave your hand on your arm, you get used to it after some time and then you don’t realize that your hand is on your arm all along. So you felt nothing. It’s like all of our existence is equal. It’s when you stare at a space, and you listen to your thoughts, then your mind leads you back to your sight, and you wonder, what were you staring at? What do you look at when you think? You try to focus on what you were looking at but you know you weren’t staring at that particular thing. Maybe you were staring at the air. 

It is when you close your eyes, stare at your closed eyelids, and stare at the sharpened black stuff present in your blocked vision. Then you try to sleep, but you can’t, because your thoughts are interfering. Then your thoughts lead you to the nothingness. You then start asking a bunch of stuff to yourself.

“Why should I continue living? Why am I still doing these stuff? Why do I live? Everything is just a cycle. Everything is the same. I have experienced what is needed to be experienced. What’s the point of doing all these stuff if I’m going to die in the end?” 

These are the thoughts of some people contemplating suicide. They tend to ask only a few questions when they consult people, because they know that people have answers to every stupid question they ask.

“Because there are people who love you. Because this is what you want. If you think that way then you are bound to be miserable. Look at the brighter side. Don’t let the negativity consume you. Stop thinking like that.” 

Every answer is a cliché. I thirst for a different answer. Something that I have never heard before. Sure, encouraging words help for most, or even all of the people. But I heard enough of them. Don’t worry, I’m not that in too deep yet again to attempt another stupid suicide. I’m not ready to go back to medication and get fat again. 

So actually, I really don’t have a reason to kill myself. Just these whispers my mind sends me when I’m being stupid. Life is too much drama. I’m sick of it. Real life drama sucks. They are meant for TV screens, movie screens, stories, and the stage only. Don’t make it into a reality.
.
.
.
.

I still have a feeling that I haven’t answered my question yet. I don’t know why. I don’t know the answers to most of the questions I asked here. I don’t know the answers to most of the questions I have asked in my entire life. There are a lot of things that I don’t know. I am just young. 

And I am too young to feel this old. A lot can happen in a month, a year, or heck, 18 years. All the agony… all the pain… all the suffering… all the bullshit…

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Just You Stupid Fatass Bitch

06.23.16

You don’t have to lash out all your anger on me, you know…

I mean, as a friend, you can. But if you’re part of my family, it’s annoying.

Like today, for instance. I was supposed to be chill this day because I won’t be going to school. But no, you just have to blabber your mouth and nag all day all just for a missing sock. Like seriously, it’s a small thing. I told you it’s in the dirty hamper. But you kept on opening your stupid mouth. Instead of searching for the sock, you just kept on nagging. You kept on blaming me for something I haven’t done. You little (actually you’re big, because you’re fat) annoying bitch… Your hands, feet, eyes, and other body part except your mouth are used to search for missing stuff. I didn’t know you could be that stupid. You passed all your hot-temperedness on to me. Fuck you very much.

I went to the porch to cool off. After I was chilled, I went inside and you still kept on nagging, and you built me up all over again. You’re just so full of it! Like seriously, you didn’t even bother to search for it. You made a simple little thing a big issue. Dude, it’s just a sock. I could buy you a new one. And then you said, “Go buy me one now”. Seriously?! FINE. I wanted to go out of the house anyway since I don’t want to be in the same building as you. Stupid fatass bitch. Tsk. I hurriedly took a bath and went out. I didn’t even bother to brush my teeth. Because of my anger, I was already riding a jeep in a minute. Don’t bother asking me to dye your hair this Saturday anymore. I hate you now.

I went to Wilson’s and bought 10 pairs of socks so you won’t be worried for another missing sock in a while. I wanna rub it on your face. I really wanted to slap your bitchy face earlier too. I wanted to slap you so hard that it would make you cry. I am capable of doing that. You’re lucky I’m more patient than you.

So to let you know how very pissed and angry I am at you right now, here’s a bombardment of swear and cuss words… all dedicated for you.


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Just You and Your Self-Esteem


I saw you walking by...
Your head was down, as usual
I always wondered why you look down on yourself
I didn't think it was possible to have a self-esteem that low
I wanted to stop the car, get out, go to you, and raise your chin up
I wanted to hug you and tell you, while cupping your cheeks,
"You are worth more than you think."


Thursday, June 16, 2016

Just a Cover

We made a cover of Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce. It is a soundtrack in X-Men: Days of Future Past. We really like Quicksilver that's why we covered this song.


 Here are the lyrics so you could singalong ^_^

Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

[Chorus]
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

[Chorus]

Captions translations:

sorry yabag: sorry it's out of tune
pansina daw ninyo oh: you should give him attention

So what song would you like me to cover next? Feel free to comment your suggestions below. ^_^

Friday, June 10, 2016

Just Suppressing Them




             I try to suppress my feelings...


                                                  ...so that you wouldn't be able to see my vulnerability


                                                                                                                — L. Slaybell

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Just When You Hold My Hand


Maris and Lonard's hands when I was the third wheel

I feel your warmth
when you hold my hand

Apricity at its finest
rekindling the sparks inside me

The way your rough edges touch my skin
remind me that this is real

and with that I knew
that everything will be okay

Monday, June 06, 2016

Just Another Sketch

A lot of things has already happened and I am not in the mood to finish this anymore. Or actually, I am too lazy to finish this. So this will forever be a WIP. You can see that I did not sign it.

Sorry Emma Roberts, I had to murder your face too, and I can't finish it ;A;


Thursday, June 02, 2016

Just Once Pt 2

Once, I pushed my brother out the 2nd floor window.
Once, I ate a candle (I don't remember if I swallowed).
Once, I ate a leaf.
Once, I broke my phone on purpose.
Once, I believed I was really dead.
Once, I left a test question blank because I got jealous of my classmates getting called by my teacher to answer the questions they left blank. Sad to say my teacher didn't call me and marked it wrong.
Once, I killed a mouse by squishing it.
Once, I tried to kill myself by taking the remainder of my meds. Sad to say I only fell asleep.
Once, I made the laptop fall unto the ground. Happy to say that it is unscathed.
Once, I picked my nose so far in that the snot went into my nasal cavity.

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Just My IQ

Who knew I would be this smart? Haha. Although I expected a higher result. It would be higher if I was able to answer the last 3 remaining questions. Sad life.

IQ Test Labs personalized report

Your age adjusted IQ score is 121 and the average score of all test takers is 100.


Your IQ score is the result of a formula based on the number of questions answered correctly on the test, adjusted to account for the differences in capabilities among various age groups.

Here at IQ Test Labs we have taken your test one step further. During the test, you answered questions covering different aspects of your intelligence, and your answers were used to compute nine distinct intelligence scores. This profile provides an analysis of your general IQ score and nine distinct intelligence scores. This will help shed light on your strengths and weaknesses, for example you will discover that your greatest strength was in the Verbal section of the test.

Your complete intelligence profile consists of:
An analysis of your general IQ score with graphical comparisons of how you scored compared to everyone else who took this test.
A detailed analysis of your mathematics, verbal, logic, pattern recognition, general knowledge, short term memory, visualization, and classification intelligence scores.
Tips that help increase your intellectual capabilities on each of the above intelligence scales.
Your strengths and weaknesses and career advice.
All answers to the questions.
Theories of intelligence, demographic comparisons of IQ scores, famous IQ's and interesting facts about IQ.

Enjoy your report! There is nothing more valuable than accurate, insightful information about you!

Just Gigs

I've created a Fiverr account because I have lost my phone. I don't have a phone again. Hurrah! (sarcasm) I am really clumsy these days. I have already owned 4 phones in a lifetime. I am getting a 5 th one. Let's just hope there won't be a 6th one. If there is going to be a sixth one, I just hope that the reason won't be that I have lost my phone or broke it again.

So yeah, I made a Fiverr account. Please check it out. I really need the money, and I can show you some of my talents :)

The first gig I made is a drawing one. You can make me draw shitty or not shitty stuff for $10.

https://www.fiverr.com/s2/8567841a35

The second gig I made is a musical one. I can play songs on different instruments for you for $5.

https://www.fiverr.com/s2/91fdc72b7f

Please do check the links. You can help me buy a new phone. I really need a new phone.

Just a Sketch

After 12+ hours, I finally quit. I can't finish it to make it look better. I drew Freddie Highmore, my favorite actor. I murdered his beautiful face ;A;

I outlined his face first with graphite pencil and then filled in the details with charcoal pencil. I really had a hard time drawing his nose D:

I won't post the reference photo because you might see the inaccuracy in my drawing. Huhu.


Just a Cover


I recorded this cover of Someone Like You by Adele last March 15, 2016. Sorry if I had committed mistakes. ;A;

Hope you enjoy.