Thursday, August 11, 2016

Just Feelings

I have already lost a lot of feelings.
Certain things trigger them to come back;
Hearing a song might, talking to a friend might,
doing normal things may trigger them, overthinking may trigger them
almost anything will trigger to get my lost feelings back.

Nostalgia, grief, love;
There are some feelings that you want to be felt again, some you don't. Once you feel them again, you get in a certain state of mood. I can't be less vague when I'm writing.
It's a cliche when I say that I can't explain it, or when it's hard to explain it. But it is.

I want to write about my mood right now. But you can't just immediately get what is abstract.
I can't write easily about what I can't see or I can't hold.
It is difficult to write about what you are feeling. It is hard to find that certain word that exactly describes what I am feeling or am right now.
I need a wide vocabulary to perfectly have a description of what I am feeling.
And that sucks.

I am in a mood where I want to listen to old songs. I am in a mood where I want to listen to old songs that I have not heard before. I am in a mood where I just want to lie on the bed and...

that's it. This is where I'm lost for words that best describes my mood, that best describes what I want to do on bed.

I was about to add "I just want to lie on the bed and think about life."
but that's not it.
I don't want to overthink.

I just want to feel nostalgic.
Or no, not nostalgic.

I want to be in a mood like how it is in a book. Maybe like in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I want to be in a mood like how it is in a song. Maybe like in Lips of an Angel.
I want to be in a mood like how it is right now.

(I've got to admit, I don't really want to talk about this right now, because this post was supposed to be all about me, but I just thought of you, and every time I read your name in my timeline, my face tightens, not that I'm in love with you.)

It sucks when there is an infinite number of words, infinite number of languages and dialects,
but I still can't find the exact words that I want to say.

And it sucks that people will never get it.

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