Friday, September 30, 2016

Just the Rap I just Composed

The problem with sleeping early is that you tend to wake up in the middle of the night 
leaving you to attempt to sleep again 
but can't because your thoughts are keeping you up.

Mom didn't understand so she sent me to a psychiatrist.
We talked about a lot of things
but the sure thing I talked to her about was about you
and how we stayed up late and how you tend to keep me up
But don't get me wrong I loved chatting really
it's just it didn't seem to be healthy
I'm sorry
but I guess I shouldn't be
because I loved every moment we had
it just has to end
we're getting nowhere
but to the realm of folly

I couldn't quite guess what was happening
My fingers kept dancing
I can't control 'em
maybe it's one of them seizures acting up again
All of the anxiety swallowing me up
I shouldn't let it control me but
it seems that I can't

So every time I see your face I just calm up
and your smile brightens my whole world
I just can't understand that

You used to say that we need each other
darling that's just not true
We tear each other apart
Now you suffer tremors my heart can't handle
and I cry every night because of that
I tried to prevent that from happening
But my words don't seem to get through your head
You weren't here with me anymore
You were there in your own world
I couldn't get in, I tried to
but the key you swallowed I couldn't get the locksmith
and now I lost you forever

My only friend I no longer have you. I apologize 'cause I couldn't save you. I couldn't make it on time. But I guess there's no one to blame.I couldn't handle any more of that. It might lead me to kill myself but I couldn't do that. I could never do that. Because if I did then there would be no one else to remember you.

Just Starting Something

I want to start composing songs. I already composed some songs in high school but those were academic ones and weren't real songs. They were really shitty. Not the songs that I wanted to write. Not even close to the genre I like. I want to make real songs, maybe rap, because raps are like alliterations and it feels good on the tongue and sounds awesome in the ears especially the messages raps commonly convey. Not that my favorite genre is rap. It's actually alternative rock, pop rock, and punk rock. So the raps I meant are not the Kanye West type of raps but the Eminem and Twenty One Pilots type of raps. I posted something in my Late Night Thoughts page on Facebook and maybe this could be a beginning of a rap. Here it is:


It kinda looks like a run on because of the lack of commas. Yeah. I want to make a real song and my first real song should be a rap. I'll play it on the ukulele so I could play it during Ukulele night with Kwatro Kwerdas.

Ohhh yeahh right Kwatro Kwerdas... I haven't blogged about it yet. It's a ukulele community in Davao City, where I live, and I started jamming with them last Sunday. I sang. It was the first time I sang in front of a real audience. I don't really sing because I'm an instrumentalist. I only usually play the guitar or the violin or the keyboard. But I loved it and the applause I had. We only jammed in a small coffee shop called Java Jive so the audience was a little small, but still, I had fun. The admin of the page was really cute. He's my sister's former classmate. I think he's gay. Not gay like people who likes the same sex kind of gay. Lol. Gay's just an expression.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Just about my Future Post

I will be uploading my drawings for the 30-days drawing/design challenge. I started it on July and finished in August. I still haven't uploaded it yet because I'm too lazy. Haha. Some of them got lost but now I already scanned them. So just keep posted in here. :)

Monday, September 26, 2016

Just a Work in Progress

I actually started this a few days ago and until now it's still in progress. I don't know if I'll finish it soon. :)

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Just a Letter to a Wallflower

Dear Charlie,

It's been a long time since you've written now. You may really be busy participating in life. I really want to know how you are now. I wasn't able to respond to any of the letters you sent me before because you didn't leave any return address. I have no idea who you are, but you told me your stories and it really means a lot that you chose me to be the one to tell your story to.

It's been three years since I read your letters. I wasn't even born yet when you wrote them. You were 16. You must be 41 years old now. I'm only 18 now. But in a fortnight I will be 19. I read your letters when I was 16. If I change the timeline a little bit then we'd still be the same age now.

I really want to meet. Maybe you are not the same person that you've described yourself in your letters anymore. But still, I want to know you more. I still don't know how to send this to you but I wish you could read it. Your last letter did end up being the last letter. And I do believe that things are good with you. I just want to know how you, Sam, Patrick, your sister, your brother, your mom, and your dad are. I want to know if you are still thinking about your Aunt Helen, or if you got back into the hospital again. How was your sophomore year? Did you finish high school already? Are you going to college? I just want to know.

Right now I'm writing to you. 2:50 in the morning— a Sunday morning. If you were born a bit later you would have listened to the same songs I listen now. Because I like the songs that you listen to. I like The Smiths too, although they are not my favorite band. You said you wanted to be an author. I would really want to read one of your books. The way you write in your letters really gets me hooked. You say a lot of meaningful words, words that make a lot of sense, words that I could really relate to. You say the words that I want to say but can't because I don't know how to stitch them all up together. You seem to do that easily without even trying.

I would really like to write more in this letter to you but you don't exist and that hurts. I wish you were real. But enough of that. I really love you Charlie. I hope you know that.

Love always,

Lana

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Just Horoscopes

I
am
a
Libra.




I don't really believe in Horoscopes but this Twitter account all about them is a little accurate. I don't know why. I hope our Church leaders won't exploit me if I ever start to believe in them. Haha. But really though, just the first line it already knows me.



Just being Random and Pointless

I just realized that I am so alone.
not lonely, but alone. And I love
Being alone. There's nothing wrong
with being all by yourself. A lot can
happen. I mean really, a lot. Think
about it.

People are toxic. Choosing is hard.
Empathy really gets in the way. I
am martyred by the people who hurt
me. And I let them hurt me.

But that has changed. I have decided
that I will not care again. I don't know
why I even cared again in the first
place. People just take advantage
of you.

I wish I could just die.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Just Lying Awake

It's  raining outside. A lot of flashes of lightning. I've been trying to sleep for a couple of hours now but I couldn't. I've already yawned a lot and I have no idea what is happening to my body.

I just realized that a lot of people are really shitty. Attention-seekers use the stupidest tactics. One struck a nerve. It made me deactivate one of my social media. I can't stand looking at stoopid posts anymore. My eyes need some sterilizing.

With my earphones plugged in and the music not so loud so I could still the rain and thunder crashing down, I lie awake in bed. I am trying to sleep early now so I could wake up early and jog. I want to get rid of this fat in my thighs and hips. (Ugh...Vic  Fuentes' voice...)

Anyway, I really want to hear from my readers, if there are any. Everytime I look at my stats when I log in, I see a couple 1 or 3 viewing my blog. I wish you would comment. I  really want to talk to people I don't know. Not really face to face and speak, but you know, just write, because I have social anxiety. I don't really like talking.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Just Those Poems

Hey, do you remember all those poems I wrote about you? Well, they don't mean anything now because I don't like you anymore. Haha. Man, I was really drunk with infatuation.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Just What You Wrote

You write songs and poems about some girl I don't know.
I don't even like you that much but how come it affects me so much?
I don't even like you at all.
I mean, I like you, but I don't like you that way.
What I'm saying is, ah shit. Forget it.

I listen to your songs. I read your poems.
I am moved by your words. I am swayed by the melody.
You seem like you care a lot for this girl. I didn't know you could care so much.
But I, who is so bitter in this world, don't think your relationship will last.
Because there is no such thing as forever.
Everything ends.
Life ends.
So do relationships.

By that time comes, the songs you made, the poems you wrote,
you'll cry about them.
I'll be here patting your back.
That's all I'll do.
Because I, who is so clueless, do not know how to comfort people.
Some will think that it will be my fault.
But it isn't.
Because that's just how it is.

I'll burn the paper you wrote them on.
I'll delete the files on your computer.
I might save some. I might use it for inspiration, that I might write songs of my own. I might use them as a guide, a guide for the future where I might be in a relationship. To avoid heartaches. To avoid endings, only beginnings.

But I know that these things are inevitable.

Saturday, September 03, 2016

Just a Catastrophe

That feeling when you woke up to your sister's voice telling your mom in the other room that your cousin was one of the victims in the Roxas bombing. Eight hours passed and I'm still crying my heart out silently.