Friday, December 30, 2016

Just an Adventure

I walked for around three and a half hours today. I started around 4 pm and got home around 7:30 pm. My route was Home-Mamay Road-Roseville Subdivision-Angliongto-Lanang-FlyOver-Bubangin-St. Mary's Parish (SMP)-Jehova's Witness Assembly-Home. You have to be from Davao City, Philippines to know what I mean.

The view was amazing in Mamay. Along the way, I got to pet puppies. They looked like golden retrievers. One was brown and the other was white. Their mom went out and she didn't seem to be a retriever after all. The puppies just looked like it because they were well-fed. I saw the owner too, a woman. She seemed nice. There was also a big red chicken there. I didn't know they would get that big. Lots of other animals were there. Beside where they lived, there was a guy shoveling some sand. I continued walking after petting them. There was a guy who looked homeless but his clothes were neat. He wore a basketball jersey and white pants. He carried a flute recorder. He has a phone. The model was MyPhone and the color was black. It was the type that has TV. I still walked.

When I saw the sign for Roseville I thought I should lurk around there. I thought that because I knew my high school classmate lives there. I didn't really want to see him. I just wanted to kill some time. I was really bored. All I could remember there was a lady on a motorcycle with a guy asking me where the Christmas Mansion was. I didn't know because I wasn't from there.

I got out of Roseville and it seemed like I reached Damosa. One of the reasons that I went out for a walk was to buy a nipper from a 7Eleven store. There was one there, but sadly, there weren't any nippers. So I continued on. I reached SM Lanang. I thought of entering the mall and just buy the nipper there. I could also check out my friend having her on-the-job training there and tease her. Haha. But I thought, nah and continued walking. As I walked, the homeless guy who I saw earlier was waving at me from across the street. I waved back. I didn't think he would cross the street and join me on my walk.

We walked together. The sun was already gone and it started to drizzle. We headed for shelter. We talked. I noticed there were tattoos on his face. The tatts looked loked scribbles. There was a straight line and  there was another with a loop. I don't remember all the features. He said he was looking for some fun and just carolled today. He wants me to join him, to carol together. I declined. I asked him personal questions like where he lived, his age, his family. He said he was from R. Castillo, but is currently living in, wait, I forgot, dammit. Anyway, he said he's 30 years old and that he got into drugs. His family got him rehabilitated. When he returned home after rehabilation, their house and his family-his parents and siblings- were no longer there. He was in rehab from 1990-2000. I really tried deciphering him. I kept asking him questions, like if he stopped school, he just kept nodding. I don't think he even knows what I'm saying. He was really inconsistent with his answers. Here's what I got from asking questions and him saying yeses and nos: he stopped high school and got into drugs. The drugs he took was syrup bought from pharmacies. He said he was thirty years old. But if he really was in rehab in 1990 and was in high school by then, he must be around forty by now. He looked old for being thirty. I just believed thirty because of the drug thing but he could've been more than forty. Okay, I kept stepping back as we talked because he keeps on trying to put his arm around my shoulder and his hand on my back. Good thing I'm smart. He just really wants someone to be with. I really wanted to help him with his life. I suggested he would seek help from city hall and find a job, that Duterte will help him. He said no. He didn't want to got there because they would imprison him. We continued to walk even in the drizzle. I didn't mind. I put my hands in my hoodie's pockets in case he would grab them.

Get this, he wants to come with me back home. I was like whut? He just said that I would just tell mom that he's my husband, and he'll own me as his wife. This guy was really nuts if he believed my mom will buy that. He's too far gone. I don't know what to do with him. Anyway, we continued walkong. He wondered if I had any problems because my face looked problematic. I said I didn't had any. I just didn't like walking with him. He said I shouldn't be afraid of the people around and I said I was just afraid of him. I don't think he heard me say that.

Along the way, he bought cola, offered me some, I refused, he drank, and bought two cigarettes by the overpass near SPMC, and we walked again. We already passed by two 7Elevens when we got to Buhangin. It was a long walk. He wanted to rest. (pfft. Weak.) He sat by a parking space by 7Eleven. We hung out silently. I really wanted to ditch this guy. I was afraid he might follow me home. I said I should go ahead now because I still have somewhere to go. He kept asking me where I live. I just shook my head. I said to him he should just go on carolling without me. I somehow convinced him to go our separate ways and we high-fived goodbye. Phew. That was close. I headed on, walking to the other 7Eleven store in Buhangin.

When I got there, they still didn't have any nippers. So I just bought 2 packs of tissues instead. I bought the nipper from the cheap store that lines along the street. When I headed home, my companions from SMP rondalla who just finished carolling saw me. I was supposed to be with them today but I overslept and I didn't actually want to join them. I jokingly overed my head with the hoodie I was wearing and walked away fast. I still greeted them though so I wouldn't seem like that type of person who ignores firends.

I reached home after that. I ate and now I'm typing this here. I just want to remember this adventure. Just another story to tell. But not really. I'll just tell it here. Not to anyone.

Just Some Update

I actually feel better now. I'm not thinking of that guy as much as before anymore. I really hate it when hormones just burst out all at once like that making me feel ugh, I hate to say it, lovesick. I  really hate saying it, or thinking about it. It makes me feel gay. Again, I mean gay as an expression.

Okay I'm chatting with people on Messenger now and it's breaking my flow om this post so I'll just end it here for now.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Just Boredom Making Me Want to Write Shtuff

You know what? I've been trying to find other things to do to keep myself from thinking of you. I've tried playing my musical instruments but every song I play reminds me of you. I tried resorting to art but as I start staring at the canvas, all I could see is your face. I tried writing stories but all I could think of writing down is your name. I didn't write it down, for your information. It just sucks that every distraction I seek, you keep finding yourself back into my mind. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid of telling you all of this personally. I don't even know what makes me afraid. I have nothing to lose anyway. I guess it's just embarassing, because I am not the type of person who thinks about someone every passing moment. Well, if it is your goal to climb into my prefrontal cortex, stay in my long-term memories, and torture me with thoughts of you, congratulations, you've succeeded.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Just Drunk Again

Time is relative.

I mean, it's different when you're sober and it flies fast when you're a little tipsy.

I know I have a contract with myself from months ago that I will never drink again but this is different. I'm drinking with cousins and relatives not with outsiders.

I know I'm sounding like I'm just making up reasons right now. Yup. It's true. I blame myself. I just thought it would be rude to reject them. But it isn't enough reason to break a contract is it.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Just How?

My mind was used to be filled by thoughts of death and philosophy but nowadays it is mostly filled with thoughts about you. I don't really like it. It is torture.

Don't get me wrong. I don't like you in a romantic way. I love you because you really seemed to be interested in me when no one else was; love, in a way I love my role models and favorite celebrities.

I just wonder why every song I listen to reminds me of you, why every dull moment I encounter you fill it by appearing in my thoughts. I don't even like the thought of us together.

People say to me that the person I'll marry will be very lucky. They have seen what I can do. I don't want to be boastful here. It was them who said it.

What I want is to just figure out how to stop it, how to stop thinking of you. I really hate it. I hate my brain. Why must it not cooperate with my mind?

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Just an Essay that I Got a 98 for in Our English Requirement: Why Do We Love?

Love is a really complicated subject, for you could mean a lot of things when you say, “I love you.” You could mean “I love you” as a friend, as a brother, or even as a cousin who you would like to have a laugh with when they visit and feel relieved once they leave. But what about when we say “I love you” romantically? What does love have to do with romance? Why do we even perform such a complex thing that manifests a huge mystery that even scientists and philosophers have had a hard time trying to decipher what it is?

C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2 ̶ dopamine + serotonin + oxytocin. This is the chemical formula for love. You see, I tend to question why people fall in love. I try to seek out the logical explanation for everything. I search for the science behind why things are the way they are. It turns out, people love because the brain, specifically the pituitary gland, secretes these three hormones that people interpret as love. So, we love because of, as what people have said before, the chemical reactions that are happening in our brain. We cannot control the involuntary organs that do what they want to do. We cannot help it. We cannot fight it. Most people cannot. I try to fight it. Every time when I think I am falling in love, I try to think that it is just infatuation, and it normally is. That is why I am still single until now.

But we are not talking about that right now. We are talking about why we love. Like I said, it is just your gland releasing hormones. Why does our gland secrete hormones? It does that because it is nature. It is in biology and in our anatomy. Cells break down and build themselves up to continue the life cycle. If people have not loved for thousands of years then we would not exist right now. If people have not loved, romance movies would not have existed, plays like Romeo and Juliet would not have been made, poems about heartache and marriage would not have been printed in books and sold in bookstores, Nicholas Sparks novels would not have made it into the world and remade into terrible movies, and you would have not been singing that same old love song for so many times now.

During boring classes, the students get really drowsy and decide to sleep. When the teacher talks about love, all of the drowsiness suddenly fade away. They become snappy. There is something in the subject that captures the attention of people. Maybe like a program that is designed to make us respond when we hear that word. Talking about it makes us feel happy, rewarded and content. Perhaps that is why we love. We love so that we can be happy. We love so we can share our happiness with that special someone. Two people compromise a relationship to perform a symbiosis. Both giving the other a part of themselves, trusting that the other will not take him or her for granted.

Some people prefer not to question why we love. They will say that it is just the way it is. We love because we just do it. Should that not be enough? When two people are in a relationship, one of them may ask, “Why do you love me?” then the other may answer by stating a few features that person may have: “I love you because your smile brightens the world”, “I love you because your eyes remind me of the ocean”, or “I love you because I see so much of myself in you”. One’s reason to love may be is to just reciprocate for being loved: “I love you because you love me”. Some people love because they think it is the appropriate thing to do. Society will judge you if you are unable to love at all. People love, to conform to the norms set by our ancestors a long time ago. It is abnormal if you have the inability to love, because it is love that makes us human. It is what makes us different from animals. We love, because we are designed to do so.

When you first meet a person, you do not know if you will love them in the future. You do not know if they will love you. You do not know if you will even love each other. But as time passes, you will realize that when you stare at his eyes, you will notice the way his lips curve when he smiles, and the way that he can play each note on the guitar so perfectly that it makes you want to smile, too. You will think about him before you sleep, or when you cannot sleep at all, or even in the shower. You will wonder what is happening. And then you will say, “Ah, so this is why we love.”

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Just Why Do You Do This to Me?

You forced yourself to be a part of my life. You hung
   out for a while, and when I
decided to remove you, you have already made
   a permanent mark.


I should explain this. You see, I was doing this task a year ago. I was supposed to cut out big letters with a Gothic font, when someone requested me to cut out a small one of his initial with the sticky paper I have, so I did. The sticky paper was white so he colored it black with a marker. Without permission, he stuck it to my phone case and decided to spread false information that it was me who had a crush on him when in fact it was him who placed it there. I kept it there for a while for some reasons and when I removed the sticky paper, the marker's ink have blotted to the phone case and left a permanent mark of his initial there forever.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Just a List of Unfamiliar Words I have Encountered and Their Meaning


     confabulate -to fill in gaps in one's memory with fabrications that one believes to be facts

  1. accept something reluctantly but without protest.
    "Sara acquiesced in his decision"
  1. attempting to avoid notice or attention, typically because of guilt or a belief that discovery would lead to trouble; secretive.
  1. extremely hungry.
  1. 1.
    extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world.

faux pas
ˌfō ˈpä/
  1. an embarrassing or tactless act or remark in a social situation.
  1. a quality that evokes pity or sadness.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Just a Bruise

I hit this part of my leg on the bed guard a few days ago. It hurt then and it doesn't hurt as much now. I don't get why it wasn't so visible when it was the most painful and it makes great marks when it doesn't hurt anymore.


Saturday, December 03, 2016

Just Sayin'

                                                  I'm not okay... I'm schizophrenic.