Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Just Generic Questions People Ask Me

Most of these questions are asked in vernacular. I'll just write them in English here.

1. Why do you always smile?

Why would you question the frequency of my smile? Do you prefer me to not do so? I have had a smiling face since I was a kid. It is a habit now. I do not feel like smiling but I just do. It also gives a polite vibe. I don't want people thinking that I'm not a nice person. Smiling makes me not scare people away. A smile makes other people smile, too. Maybe I keep smiling just to hide the depression. Who knows?

2. What's up with you and bananas?

Most of the time when people ask me this question, I just laugh it off because I do not know either. Haha. I just like bananas, you know. But they aren't my favorite fruit. It's mangoes.

3. Why is Hotel, Restaurant and Tourism Services your course? Why not (insert intellectual course here)? You're smart. It's such a waste.

First of all, you little shit, you are not me. You do not know how my mind works and neither do I. At least I have a slight idea how it does. If you know so much about how I live my life, then we should exchange. Oh, wait, we can't do that, can we? Too bad. Stop dictating other people on how to do their shit and start getting yours together. I know my potential. I know my skills. You know I'm smart. Don't you think I already thought what you thought?

4a. You know how to play the (insert musical instrument here)? Can you play (insert song here)? or Can you teach me?

I just sigh at this. These questions are too generic. I'd like to hear a person saying a different phrase for once. Try to be unique. Ugh.

4b. You know how to draw? Can you draw me? Can you draw this? Can you draw that?

I sigh at this, too. It's practically the same question. People are ignorant when they get to know that you have a particular skill. That's why they all ask the same questions. Try answering them yourself, for once. Try putting yourself in my position and be asked the same question. I wonder how you would feel.

5. Is my grammar correct?

You should have known this since elementary school. Where were you during those days?

6. Can I copy your answer?

"rolls eyes*

Don't you think it's unfair to just copy the answer from a person who paid attention? And why would you get mad if I don't let you? Hnnnggghhg I could rant more about this but I don't go to school anymore since October. Thank God I'm done with it. Thank God I've graduated.

7. Can I borrow a pen? Can I have some paper?

Would you like my clothes, too? Would you like some money? Would you like me to pay your tuition? Fuck, man, get your own supplies!

8. What's your course? (I answer HRTS) What's that? Hnnnggghhh...

Please, don't ask me this, just please.

9. Why do you have a manly voice?

I don't know, genetics?

10. How do you do this again?

Why would you even go to school if you don't pay attention to instructions? Why do you always come to me? Why are you so stupid? Can you just please try to figure it out on your own? Don't you know that figuring something out on your own improves brain performance? It also improves your cognitive skills. Of course, cognitive skills are part of the brain performance, but how would you know that? You're dumb as fuck.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Just Made Some Today

You're so sweet
You make me happy
I want you to be mine
You complete me

I want to taste you
Every single day
Oh, Mango Float
Would you please stay?

and never run out?

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Just People Asking about My Plans

Maybe I should find a job. People keep asking me what my plans are, which I really don't have. I didn't think of what I'd do when I get this far.

I went to the DMMAxim office today. Yuu and Frey were there. Our talk is giving me the feels now. Hnnngghhh...

What job should I find? Maybe I should apply at Marco Polo as a front desk agent. Yeah. Maybe I should. I hope I'll be hired when I do try to apply.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Just that Mom Told Me to Stop Eating So Much

I try to not gain weight but it is hard when I'm surrounded with yummy food. Whatever. I'm gonna eat my heart out. I could lose it if I actually try. Today is not that day.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Just Not Enough Teamwork

It's hard to win when your teammates aren't even trying. No matter how good you are, if all the rest will just drag you down, it is still useless. No matter how much effort you give in to pulling the team up, if the load is too heavy, you couldn't do it. It makes it too hard, even though the task is extremely easy to do.

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Just Online Social Isolation

I deactivated my Twitter account yesterday. Everyone seemed depressed. Everyone kept making threads. I couldn't take it. I don't want to worsen mine. There were a lot of hypocrites. My account will truly disappear at December 5. Now, blogger is the only social media account that I have active. I still watch YouTube videos and visit 9gag for passing my time. At least I get to view stuff from people I don't know, which is better than viewing stuff from people that I do know personally.

I went to school today. It wasn't really productive. I have to come back tomorrow morning. Whatever. I'm getting bored staying in my house anyway. I don't get allowance anymore. I can't avail with student discounts anymore. So this is adulthood, huh.

Sunday, November 05, 2017

Just Proud of Myself Today

I finally did something productive for a change. I cleaned my room. It's not "clean" clean but I still did it. Now I have to do my laundry next. I keep postponing it. I don't want a heavy load.

Also, I fought my inner demon today. I had to go to church. As I was about to get ready, I was struck by a wave of "I don't want to go to church". I lied down on my bed, thinking if I should sleep to miss the remaining schedule for mass. I forced myself up and got dressed. It's kind of a big deal for me, you know, even if you don't care. What are you doing in this blog anyway if you don't care? Why have you read this far? Lol

Saturday, November 04, 2017

Just One Thought Leading to Another

I hate remembering certain events from the past that induce unpleasant feelings. It does not seem so long ago that I...

Agh, too painful.

Also, this thought, it is also painful.

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Why did you let me do that again? That one time that we were chatting, you made me send you screenshots of our past conversations. You said "basta". It made me hurt. I still did it. I am still left hanging.

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Sometimes when my hormones are all fired up, sad songs make me cry. Right now, it isn't. So I am good. I do not feel like crying.

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Wondering what I would do with my life now that I do not have to go to school anymore. I still want to play in a band. A foreign band. Not here in the Philippines. The music industry here sucks. The media sucks. All kinds of reception here suck. I need a sign. I need God to guide me in my dream. Inspiration. It doesn't help if I just keep lying here being fat.

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Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.
I could have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life. 

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It's tiring to be depressed, you know? Not knowing why makes it seem worse. I am not that depressed, though. Let me end this train of thought here before I get all trippy.

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Existence is pain. Lol. Mr. Meseeks. Rick and Morty. Lol.

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This segment is me just talking to myself. Lol. Like I am not doing that already. Lol.

Hey, remember the times when you took medication? Lol. Remember the side effects? Lol. You were salivating that one time. Also, your ears kept ringing. Lol. Haha. Do you also remember when your jaw hardened? That was awful, right? You want it back, don't you? No. Stop it. Stop saying that. Lol. Remember that one time when you were watching Breaking Bad with your siblings, then suddenly, you started to get all—, STOP IT. YOU CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE THAT FEELING. STOP! YOU'RE TRIGGERING YOURSELF! —panicky that you had to leave the room touching your cranium saying "Mah Braaaain" like some fuck. Hahaha. :( why are you doing this... Remember that one time when your dad was at home, you think he didn't go to work because of you. He was...

This is too much already. Stop trying to remember, dammit. You will make your future self sad again when she reads this.

Fine. I'll stop.

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I wish you would call, even though that seems unlikely. Why am I like this? This isn!t me. I'm cool and collected. I do not. I am apathetic, indifferent. I don't care. I have always been like that.

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Fucking flashbacks, man. Why do I get them? I'm trying to distract myself by typing stuff here. I also try playing games. Somehow, in the end, they don't work anymore when I stop doing them. I tried drawing, I couldn't. I tried reading, I also couldn't. Lol. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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This is already a long train
of thought. Lol.
Whatever, I've got a lot of time. I've got all the time in the world. I don't have school anymore. I spend most of my time thinking, daydreaming, sleeping, playing, eating. Lol. That is something to be happy about.

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It's great having a Smartphone. You can do a lot of things with it. I love my phone now. Back then, I would miss my old lost phone when I had a new phone. Now, I don't anymore. I love my current phone. I hope it won't die on me or leave me. I think maybe typing this here could jynx it but hey, its anniversary is coming up. Haha. Happy 1 year, phone! Lol. I'll end this here. I'm happy now :)

Friday, November 03, 2017

Just Making a List

I can not really take this, thinking of you. I can not really tell why I do. What I am going to do now is make a list of what makes me think about you.

1. You have a charming personality.

The way you text "nyahaha" instead of the regular "hahaha" is so cute and gay. I can not really say if being gay is a plus point. But hey, I know you are straight. Gay is just an expression.

2 The way we have coincidentally have a lot of things in common.

The way we have the same set of musical instruments, the way we have the same design for our back packs, the way that you were the secretary and how I was just voted the same for our batch, the way we both know how to play "River Flows in You" on the guitar, fingerstyle, the way how you knew about the song "Remembering Sunday" like me, the way how we both said "seven" at the same time that one time, the way how we both know a lot of bands that people do not commonly know, the way how we both went to the same school for college, the way how we were both born in the same year, the way how we both speak the same tongues, the way how we both like logic games, the way how we were both interested in each other.

3. You are musically inclined.

You know how to learn a song without looking the chords up. You already know how to play a song just by listening to it, something I wish I could do. You know how to sing the backing vocals. You know the things in music that I want a person to know.

4. The way you speak makes me... I do not know.

You said "I think the best teacher is someone who teaches you to be interested". You really like that word, interested. "I was the one who called you, wasn't I?" "You like me, huh? *smiling face*" "I miss you" "Why are you trying to kill yourself?" "We are here for you." "Long live DMMAxim."

5. You were the only one who looked for me when I disappeared.

6. You were the senior who talked to me the most at the beginning.

7. You teased me before.

Click here to learn more about the tease.

8. It has been more than a year of me thinking of you.

I do not know if I like you. You are just in my mind. Always. I do not like having feelings. I do not have feelings. Do not say I am in denial.

9. I might say that I miss you.

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Just Thought of This Weird Thought

I want to cut off someone's arm, cook it, and serve it as adobo to innocent people without them knowing that they have been turned into cannibals.

Just Too Lazy to Come Up with a Proper Title These Days

Now that I have slept, I feel better. Maybe later, I would become sad again. The cycle would go on. I should break it. I'll find a way.

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Just Wahihi Meow Meow

I am feeling down right now but I am not going to talk about my down-ness.

Instead,

I really have no idea. I was just bluffing in my first sentence, thinking that I might make up something when I got here.

Whatever. I am still not talking about being down.

I just want to sleep.
A deep sleep.
A long sleep with a long dream that I could remember.
I want to hang out with my friends, my DMMAxim friends.
That is not going to happen.
We have drifted apart.
They have their own lives now.
Hnnggghhhh

Why
are
we
still
here

Oh, my,
How lovely

Chikapowow

Monday, October 30, 2017

Just Blarghafargah

I went to school today. Teacher wasn't there. The office was closed. Why do I even bother

Went to the IT lab. IT friends made me play Osu. Lol.

I slept for the rest of the day. Sleep is awesome.

Earlier this morning, this dream I had, lightning struck our roof. It pierced through my ears. There was kind of an earthquake, too. I screamed at my brother at the other room. We jumped out of the window that was high then I woke up when we landed.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Just Lololol

I was not able to go to school today, partly because I am a piece of shit, but mostly because of the water outage which led to me not being able to shower. Yeah, nothing really matters (anymore). Nothing has ever mattered. Lol.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Just Got Sad but Not Anymore and Now I Remember Something that I Should Not Have Forgotten

Fuck me, man...

It's just...

I need to be careful with what I write here.
Because I would sometimes like to backread some of the things I have written in the past.
My past me just made me sad. Haha
I think until now, I would still make the future me sad.
2017 me will make the future me sad.
2015 me made present me sad.
And I only read one line from a past post. Haha
Okay, so,
I am still sad. Haha. Wait. Let me calm down for a moment...

Fuck, man...

While I was trying to calm down, I randomly thought of him. I don't like these moments, when a guy takes over the bunker inside your head, making himself feel at home, without your permission. Damn it. Now I am not thinking of my past post anymore, feeling all down inside. I am back in my neutral mode.

It is funny how moods can change just because of certain stimuli.
Damn, I just remembered something.
I was supposed to go to school today.
I didn't, because I wanted to play dota all day (Priorities, right?).
The purpose that I could think of was to check my grades for English and inform my dean that I will not be taking her job offer of teaching food and beverage services every Sunday for three hours with pay every hour.
The other purpose that I forgot was to pass the handouts for my HBO subject as our final requirement. Which is important, for me. That subject was a good one.
It completely slipped my mind.
So, I think I should really go to school tomorrow now.
I think saying tomorrow now is wrong but the heck with it. I'm keeping it.

Intermission line.

Hmmm...
I am good now.
I think I have pointed out what I needed to.

Saying this is gay but,
Thanks for stopping by in this blog of a nobody.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Just AsdfghTitle

I don't have school anymore, which is great. Our Tour3 subject will have an outing this Saturday. I wanted to go in the previous weeks, but now when the date is near, I don't want to anymore. I don't even know my classmates. Lol. Maybe I will not go after all.

So... I want to hang out with friends, and it is hard to contact or get contacted without Messenger. I have around two months left to log back in, because I say so.

I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe later.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Just Not Sleeping

Ok, so, I sleep every now and then recently. Right now, I could not seem to go back. I guess I am awake for now. I have an exam later. I have not studied. Too lazy. I know I will pass the subject anyway, even if I do not do well in this final exam. I also have a 1550-peso fine for my clearance. I have not attended any events this semester. Apparently, you get punished for being antisocial. I must mean asocial, because antisocial is a mental illness. Hey, I am mentally ill. Maybe antisocial is the right word. This other subject I have... I do not know if my classmates are still even attending. My instructor is not even trying anymore. That . I do not like using that word. I'll just erase it. I'll leave a space for that word.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Just It Still Being You

You are all I could think of
Even when I think of dying, you are all I could think of
Every day and every night
Because of you, I could not sleep tight

I am always thinking,
Maybe I should tell you
So I could get this over with
And maybe I could move on, too

Should I really?
Is there nothing to lose?
Why could I not say it?
Why could I not confess?

Oh crap
I remember
You already know
What the fuck am I going on about here

It seems like a messenger sent it
without any of my knowledge
without any of my consent
and now my world is falling

Actually, no,
No it is not
It is great when someone else could tell you
When I, myself, could not

Just My Growing Hair

It's been two months since my hair cut. My hair has probably grown a few centimeters. My bangs keep falling on my eyes. It's bothersome. I try to scrunch all my hair together to see if I could tie them now, but I still couldn't. The heat sometimes gets to me and sometimes my hair doesn't help. I want to tie it up to get a little cooler. What I just do is tie a ribbon around my head, kind of like using it as a headband. Sometimes I just want to go bald. I've been wanting to shave my head for a long time now. I guess I'll just settle for short ones, pixie cuts. Some people want my hair long. lol. Maybe I'll grow it out. I'm too lazy to have hair cuts often. I only cut my hair every two to three years. I have done that interval for two times now. What got me to write this post is that my hair keeps falling on my eyes and it's bothering me and I don't like wearing headbands or hairpins to keep them from doing so. They're not my style. Also, I used to have this fake, circle, horn-rimmed glasses that I use for fashion and to protect my eyes from the radiation to keep my hair from covering my eyes. Too bad our dog ate it.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Just in the Mood for Writing Nonsense

I want to hang out with friends. It has been a long time since I did. Do I have friends? Yes. Of course. Who does not? Those who claim that they do not are just exaggerating. They DO have friends. They just do not feel like "friends". Their depression is just making them feel like they are alone.

Anyways, I want to hang out with my former publication friends. The problem is that we are all far away from each other. We can not reach each other, and that is sad.

It is going to be less than three months until this year ends. I can log in on Facebook by the time that happens. I have to commit to my last status about being not online for the rest of the year. Once I do log in, I think it is going to be Hell. Me not logging in makes it hard for people to contact me and vice versa. It is not that much of a problem, to be honest. I do not like people that much anyway.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Just Positive Reinforcement

I have put myself in that certain mood.
I think I deserve it.
I did this to myself.
I don't want to...
Fuck it.
This post is going to be positive, for a change.
I just want to tell you that
I am happy you have made it this far.
Do not quit.
Do not give up.
I know you can be indecisive sometimes.
I am telling you now that you should continue going on.
I am the voice you should listen to.
I know it is hard to ignore the other ones.
I will be here
in the shadows.
Always watching
Always guiding
Always believing
I tell you again.
Do not give up.
Ever.

Just Don't Know What My Point With This Is

I have written a lot.
Maybe it is because I have a lot to say
but I do not actually say them out loud.
I hate talking.
I hate being told what to do.
I have initiative.
If I am not doing somethimg, it means that I am tired
or that I just do not want to do it.
I just do not want to be alive right now.
No, wait...
Maybe that is just an exaggeration.
Maybe I just do not want to be awake.
But if I wake up, it would all be the same.
This feeling will be gone in the morning when I wake up, sure.
But it comes back.
I do not want it to come back.
If it does not come back in a long time,
my abnormal brain would miss it.
I would miss it.
It sucks to be like me.
Well, not that much.
It is funny how I am gifted with a lot of things and
I got my mind to compensate.
Like,
I know how to guitar, piano, violin, banduria, laud, oktabina, double bass, flute, lyre, xylophone, drums, bass, tambourine, maracas, whatever;
I am good at math;
I can draw and paint;
I am a fast learner;
I can lift heavy objects;
Not to brag, but I am also good-looking;
and I am smart, too.
However,
I am prone to depression and psychosis;
I am weird;
I am numb;
Maybe I have bipolar disorder;
and maybe I have schizophrenia.
Just...
I dunno, you know?
I just don't know what my point with this is.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Just Using My Dialect for Accuracy

Sige ra'g ingon ug "suicide awareness" pero dili man gani makita ang tao nga naa sa ilang atubangan nga naa'y depresyon.

Just Automaticaly Typing What's in My Head, Kind of Like a Thought-to-text

My depressed state is like
Thinking that there's no point
I'm just gonna type instantly that comes to my head
Don't mind me
Everything here might be incoherent
I'm fucking exh... tired
From playing dota.. the computer all day
Has it been two weeks of continuous sadness.. apathy?
For it to be called depression?
Agh... my head hurts..
Probably needs some water, dehydrated
Why do I think of one phrase, word, then think of a better one after?
I'm typing even my previous words, wait erase that, that doesn't make sense,
nah, just leave it there, you already thought it, you can't erase it, you're typing what you're thinking
Don't mind me guys, I'm just talking to myself.
Shit, that's that wasn't supposed to be a comma.
I'm not dedicated to this anymore.
My head hurts.
If there was a device that would automatically type my thoughts, it would probably be like this. Or not, not even close. I have thoughts in between as I type and I can't type them all.
Head hurting again.
I need some sleep.
All We Know is Falling.
Paramore.
Thoughts.
Typed.

Pause

What was i shit capital i era... Nah. No erasures. Okay. Again. Whay dammit erase y type t. Nvm. Again. What was I thinking again?
I got it right. Haha.
Head hurts.
I need some sleep.
Psychosis.
Maybe if I had Tourette's it'd be like this. But instead of randomly saying stuff, I'm typing them. Lol.
I'm just really typing random stuff so I could have somethibg to post. Dammit. Wrong spelling. Hayyy i mean *sigh*. I meant something, not somethibg.
It's been 14, 15, 16 ,17... 3 days since I last posted. I think this is enough now.
No class. Still thinking. Still typing. Shit. Stop it. Tap the post button alread self. Stop listening to your mind. Post it already. It's already long enough. Dammit. Stop it. You misspelled enough, erase it then come back to this sentence. Okay. I'll do it. Be right back.
Done correcting the spelling.
Ha.
Head hurts
Really need to sleep. Okay. Bye. I'll stop it now.
That's a lie.
Ugh.
Okay
How do I end this
Well
This is awkward
I miss .
I typed his name.
Am i allowed to erase it?
I guess i am.
Okay. I'll erase it.
Brb
Back.
I only erased his name.
It's still obvious which part i erased.
I guess i'll end it here.
Stop and tap the button already.
Okay.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Just Thirty-sixth Day at OG

FINALLY, my last day. 37 check-ins. Tried to slice fruits, but Sir Marlon arrived and took over so it would be faster. Served food, served coffee, served water. Most of the guests wanted to be on the outer restaurant because it was cold inside. Function. Times two. 16 hrs x 2 =36 hrs. Carried chairs to the side. Folded napkins. Went up and down the stairs a lot, now my legs hurt. Dished out from rooms. Yeah. I'm glad it's all over.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Just a Pen Part 2

I posted about my pen 9 days ago, about how I dropped it and planned to pick it up later, but disappeared when our teacher dismissed us. I confronted my suspect yesterday at class, and my suspicions were true. He DID pick it up. Fuck him, man. I thought... Bah, I ain't gonna rant anymore.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Just Thirty-fifth Day at OG

I felt a little stressed at around 6 am because there were six guests and I'm the only server. Sir Jo went downstairs to get some ice and Sir Marlon had not arrived yet. I almost spilled some coffee on their boss and fuck, man, I'm glad that I have logged out now. I only rendered four hours. I couldn't go for 8 because there would be a seminar at 1 pm.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Just Thirty-fourth Day at OG

I don't remember much of what happened (I actually do, you know) but all I know is I'm gonna be fucking done with this shit on Saturday.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Just Make Up Your Own Title for This

I'm tired of being manic-depressive, man.

Just Thirty-third Day at OG

Three more days, and I'll be done. This Saturday, I'll be finished. Mwahaha. I only worked 6 hours today because on Saturday, there would be a function, which would mean that the number of hours we will render will be doubled. I'll have a rest day on Friday. Today, I folded table napkins, helped in preparing orders for room service, took orders, refilled the pitcher, set-up some tables, served coffee, delivered food to Ma'am Irene and dished the soiled dishes, took the order slip and mini bar receipt from the front desk, bought some ice cream from the convenience store because of the guests ordering them, and I other stuff that I may have done but failed to mention here.

Edit: I used this particular site that calculates the time card and it said that I worked for 6 hours and 55 minutes, which I may round off to 7 hours. lol

Monday, October 09, 2017

Just that Depression Won't Go Away

It's my birthday today.

Just Thirty-second Day at OG

I couldn't understand the number of hours I rendered today because of the ambiguity. All I know is I wiped some plates and served some water and set up some tables and offered room service with Aiza, which led us to share a 455-peso tip (I got 223, while she got 222 pesos).

Sunday, October 08, 2017

Just Tried to Draw Myself by Memory. Lol


Just the Things that I Don't See

I do not see myself reaching the age of 30.
I do not see myself having kids.
I do not see why you are getting mad at me
for having these kinds of beliefs.

I do not think that I can see.
It is not that I am blind.
What I mean is that things are underneath,
out from line of sight.

I do not see myself getting rid of this nihilism.
I can not see what you want me to.
All I want is to get some
cure for this depression.

Just Thirty-first Day at OG

7 check-ins. Provided room service for room 213. After awhile, Ma'am Beb called to dish it out. I dished the plates out. Restaurant was not that busy at all.

Saturday, October 07, 2017

Just Thirtieth Day at OG

12 hours...
Lol...
Only 4 hours of sleep...
Haha...
Busy morning...
A little bit stressing, but not too much...
Good night...

Friday, October 06, 2017

Just Twenty-ninth Day at OG

How do I start this? Uhhh... We just talked about love with Sir Jo, like how you love a flower, you water it instead of picking it. Something like that. There was a function, too. There was a guest who asked me what type of soup it was that he was eating but I couldn't answer. lol. I told him I asked, but he said never mind. I went to the kitchen anyway and asked. Sir Jun said it was Bird's soup. I did not tell the guest that anymore. lol. I tried my best not to be clumsy, but I guess that's what I am now. lol. Spilled some liquid earlier. lol. Ma'am Chan was a little mad, not really mad, though, about me opening a Coke instead of Sprite, because the bottles were supposed to be evenly opened. Like, there were 8 empty coke bottles now and 6 empty sprite. There should supposed to be 7 coke bottles and 7 sprite bottles. Okay, I'll know that next time now. She said just ask permission if we ever open another bottle because they are counting them. Also, another guest asked for some hot sauce, and I gave her that, then Mai told me that Ma'am Irene said that we shouldn't do that, so I went and told Ma'am Irene that I did it, and she said to not do that and I just took the sauce from the guest after a few minutes so I wouldn't seem so rude. After the function, we dished out the plates. I was the one scraping the left overs. I was also the one who arranged the chairs. I also swept the carpet with a walis ting-ting. The others tried to sweep the Styrofoam bits, but it would fly away. I was able to sweep them all up. lol. I also stripped my long-sleeve uniform in the middle of sweeping because it was hot. Don't worry, I was wearing an undershirt. They were admiring the shape of my body. lol. Also, John was flirty. wtf. I don't really like him. I'm always thinking about him, the one in my poems. I couldn't get him out of my mind. I wish it could stop. Anyways, I tried to flirt back so it would be enjoyable while at work. It worked anyway. People would smile. Now they think I like John even though I don't. They keep insisting that I do. I don't. Fuck people. lol

Just What Part 2

Okay, so... That dream I had where John was chasing me? Yeah. It happened earlier, in real life, while I was at my on-the-job duty at OG, except, I was the one who was playfully chasing him. When it happened, I was like, 'what the fuck' inside my head. I told him about the dream, but I did not include the part that it was him I dreamt. I just said I just had the dream where I was being chased, that it made me remember something. Really, what the fuck, man. What did just happen?

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Just Twenty-eighth Day at OG

I logged in at 5:59am. When I logged out by 10:25am for my HBO class, Berna, a front desk clerk, laughed because she thought I did not log in at dawn. lol. I got to take orders from guests again. I sliced some papayas from the lovely guests from 213, which ate breakfast at the cafe yesterday, too. Not much happened, to be honest. Oh yeah, we set up some tables for the function tomorrow. I carried some chairs, plates, bowls, and water goblets. I like to challenge myself on how many utensils I can carry. I'd like to carry as many as possible. By 3pm, Ma'am Irene asked us to help clean the Shindig. They're probably still cleaning now, since I left them to rot there. Lol. Jk. Anyways, I worked 9 hours today. I hope I'll be done with this soon.

Just What

I just woke up from a dream where I was in my bath towel being chased by John in his ojt uniform at GMall.

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Just One of Those Thoughts I Want as a Line in a Book

Through their eyes, I am so calm and confident when I speak in front of them. What they do not know is that my hands are actually shaking.

Just Twenty-seventh Day at OG

Logged in 6:19am. Logged out 5:30pm. Didn't go to school today. I took the order of a group of 3 guests. I tried to be a door man for a few minutes. Served food in the function halls. It was a round table. Since there were functions, our rendered hours are doubled. I really tried to work until 10 pm but I don't think I could take it anymore.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Just Twenty-sixth Day at OG

Started at 6 am. It wasn't that busy this morning. There were 9 guests that arrived. I tried to take orders but Ma'am Cindy or Sir Jo-jo would take over and or assist me. Always put water in their glasses after taking their orders. I made a sandwich today. I swept floors. I wiped water goblets. I swept the carpet again. I wiped plates. I discovered John was gay. Haha. I set-up tables after guests leave. There will be a function tomorrow. We prepared the café and the function halls for it. We moved the tables from the café to the restaurant area. Yeah. Ended at 8 pm. Also, I left for class from 10am to 12 pm.

Just a Pen

So my sign pen fell during class. It was a little far away so I just decided to pick it up after class. When our teacher dismissed us, it wasn't there anymore. Someone fucking picked it up. My fucking pen, man. Why would they just pick something up that isn't even theirs. Fuck. My pen. Fuck.

Monday, October 02, 2017

Just Twenty-fifth at OG

Fourth day at F&B. When I arrived at 9:40 am, I was surprised that John was there. He was done with Bartending ojt. Jacqui was done with F&B so I guess he replaced her. I left at 1:30 pm for my english class. It wasn't that busy anyway. When I returned by 3 pm, it still wasn't busy. I finished a crossword and Sudoku puzzle from today's paper. I left at 7:20 pm

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Just Twenty-fourth Day at OG

I didn't report for duty in two days. I really needed a day off. Today's my third day at F&B. It wasn't that busy. I found out that Joy got terminated because she was absent last Friday without informing the office. I don't know what my fate is now since I didn't text them yesterday. Last Friday, I cried because I was so damn tired. By the afternoon, I got my period. That explains everything. Lol. I hate being a girl.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Just Twenty-third Day at OG

Been working 23 days straight. No day-offs. Fml. This time I rendered 17 hours. My legs are aching. It was a busy day. We didn't feel the time pass. Fuck. I'm tired. There's this kid who is an English-speaker. I was the one who talked to her most. I also did some room service. The first room I served alone happened to be a foreigner. I hate stuttering. Fuck. There will be five functions this month. Hopefully, I'll be finished soon. I became hyperactive when I became tired at work. It's dangerous. Lol. This is what I get for being psychotic. Lol. I hugged sir Fred. I don't know why. I was so tired. Still am. Lol. Maybe I did it out of fatigue. Lol. I shouldn't have done that. Lol. I want a day off. Lol. I don't have a rest day. Lol. I'm tired.

Just Recitation

Every time I am asked to speak in front of people, my hands shake.
It takes a lot of bravery to act like it does not bother you.
It takes some effort to not show your nerves.
It takes an amount of guts to pretend that you are okay in front of a crowd.
Smile widely, don't let them know you're shaking
Speak clearly, don't let them know that you don't know what you're saying
Stand straight, don't show any weakness
Because by the time that you don't,
they'll know you're faking it
they'll smell your fears
they'll not look up to you anymore.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Just Twenty-second Day at OG

My first day at Food and Beverage services. Upstairs. 5th floor. Have to take the stairs. Back in housekeeping it was only the third floor. Bah. There really is nothing to do. Not so busy. They say it's only in the morning where it's busy. Always morning. Why can't it adjust to my tastes? The people there were more chaste, which I like. Back in housekeeping, their words are so green. Everyday they talk about sex. It hurts my ears. But in F&B, most of us were girls. They're prude. This one fellow trainee keeps on talking, which is fine. Man, can she talk for hours straight. Lol. I just kept nodding in between. Lol. I want to transfer to the shindig bar. My schedule's broken because of class. I want to work at 6pm, not 6am. I will ask the people at the office, if I may transfer. Yeah. Maybe I'll do that.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Just a Judgemental Child

A kid was judging me while I was looking at the display to buy this at McDonald's. I like Adventure Time and I like Ice King. He used to be my favorite character because he everyone didn't like him up until the "I Remember You" episode where he was actually Simon. Now my favorite character is Lemon Grab because he is annoying. He leaves an impression to people. Anyways, the kid kept looking at me while I stared at the toys. I raised my eyebrows at her because she walked in front of the display case, looking at me, trying to cover the view from me, like she's afraid that I might take the toy instead of her. Lol. I want to buy the Marceline one, too. Heck, I want to collect them all.


Just Twenty-first Day at OG

Last day at housekeeping. Tomorrow, I'm gonna start at Food and Beverage Services. I only worked 6 hours today. I think we only attended two rooms. Sir Ariel and Sir Jimboy finished attending most of the rooms in the morning. I logged in at 1. We distributed revised menus to vacant rooms. I guess that's it.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Just Twentieth Day at OG

I logged in at 10am. I'm really tired of working. When I arrived, I helped in sweeping and dusting. I was the first of the trainees to arrive. Sir Ariel and Sir Jimboy were already attending rooms. I assisted in getting bath towels and linens from storage rooms. By lunch we had "sinuglaw", it's a combination of broiled pork and raw fish mixed in vinegar and salt. They didn't add radishes in this one. We had this for lunch because it's Ma'am Ta-ta's 37th birthday. It's her day off so she just sent money for Sir Al to buy and Sir Ariel to prepare. By afternoon, we continued in attending rooms. Us trainees, Dawnna, Inah and I only helped in one room because we had a meeting for OJTs by two. In the room, there were twin beds and a double bed. It was a family room. Dawnna and Inah made the beds for the single beds while Sir Jimboy did the double bed. While they were busy removing the sheets, I already got them the linens and bath towel that they said I was quick, "abtik". I'm glad they noticed it. Lol. I swept the floor and cleaned the fridge. I got complementary bottles from the housekeeping office. Then we went to the meeting. It was mostly for the ojts from the Food and Beverage department. The housekeeping department was fine, except for Inah, lol. After the meeting, there was spaghetti. Another food for Ma'am Ta-ta's birthday. Sir Fred's birthday was also included. Mmm.. Foods... Lol. Also, durian. I just read Bob Ong's Stainless Longganisa the rest of the day. Not many rooms checked out. Not much to do. The laundry was delivered, a few of the linens missing. Not my problem. All I know is I'm gonna be done in housekeeping tomorrow (6 hours left) and I'll be starting in F&B.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Just Nineteenth Day at OG

Only Sir Jimboy and I were on duty. Sure, Dawnna was there but she was of little use. She left by 11 am. I did all of the beddings. Before she left, I kept on misaligning the bedding of the double beds so I let Dawnna redo them. Lol. It's so tiring to keep on making mistakes. Dawnna brought her kids by lunch time. They were cute. They had Agnes' (Despicable Me) hairstyle. By 1pm, sir Jimboy and I continued attending rooms. Again, I did all the bed making, maybe sweep the floor and dust the tables when I get done before sir finished cleaning the bathrooms. The bed in room 405 was really heavy. It was a suite room. I still managed to make it. Sure, I only realized I didn't put the second linen by the time I was finished with the fourth one and I had to redo it, but I still managed to do it. Around 2, Ma'am Ta-ta and Ma'am Bebs arrived. They took over and allowed me to rest by 3, because I still have to serve in a function. When we got to Liu Kui everything was busy. I helped serving drinks. We ate, a lot. Then we dished out the soiled plates. While assisting a guest in carrying her stuff, I accidentally hit another one with an empty trash bin. I apologized. Embarassing. After all the people left, we packed up the stuff. They disassembled the tables. I helped in rolling the round wood of one but I fell and just laughed it off. I'm not gonna type the rest anymore because it's already boring. I really wish I were done with this OJT.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Just Eighteenth Day at OG

There were 23 rooms that needed to be cleaned. All day long we attended rooms. I'm fucking tired.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Just Seventeenth Day at OG

I went for the afternoon duty time. Haha. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore I'm so tired. Only Jerlie and Sir Ariel worked for the morning. Jerlie was tired by doing the rooms by herself while Sir Ariel was doing the bathrooms. Sir still helped Jerlie when he was done. Sir Jimboy, Dawnna and I played truth or dare. Sir Fred timed in for the graveyard shift. As Dawnna and I were heading out, he called us back upstairs to help him in setting up the extra bed that the guest requested.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Just Sixteenth Day at OG

When I arrived, only two rooms were left to be cleaned. On the last room, there were twin beds. Sir Fred wanted me to race with him in making the beds. He still finished first even though I got a head start. Dawnna brought unripe mangoes. I tried to peel and cut them with table knives. After that, I was reeaaallly bored. We had merienda. They made me buy bread. I didn't buy plain ones, which Sir Fred and Sir Jimboy needed with their coffee. Lol. I had Milo. That was a mistake. Lol. I drew something from scratch the rest of the night. By 10pm, more checked-in. One room requested an extra bed. I prepared the foams, pillow, and towel in front of room 214. I also sprayed rooms 210 and 212. Then I went home.

Just Saying

I don't really see myself reaching the age of thirty
      and people talk to me as if I would.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Just Fifteenth Day at OG

Let's see... I arrived at around 10am. I helped in attending rooms for awhile. It's the same old routine. By 11am, I went ahead and ate my lunch because I couldn't take my hunger anymore. I got to sleep, too. Lol. By the afternoon, I tried to sweep the floor in one of the rooms, but then Dawnna was so bossy I stopped and left the room. I went back to the office to just cut some newspaper. I stayed there while the rest of them attended the two remaining rooms.

Just Fourteenth Day at OG

Damn, I really want to sleep right now but I have to finish this requirement in English. It's due on Friday but now's the only time I have to do it. Sure, I could do it tomorrow. Fuck it. Fuck procrastinating. Fuck everything. I don't have any group mates. It's supposed to be done by three. Whatever. I'm almost done with it. Bah.

Anyways, my fourteenth day... It wasn't really that busy. Only seven rooms were checked in tonight. I don't know what to say about Sir Jimboy. I won't type it here. Today was EJ's last day. A room requested two extra beds and Dawnna and I did it instead of the RA present. There was also a thing that happened just as we were about to log out. Nah. Maybe it was just in my head. Those kind of stuff aren't real.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Just Thirteenth Day at OG

I logged in at 9. Logged out at 7. Did the beddings, swept the floor, dusted shelves, changed the trash bins, restocked amenities, segregated the received bed sheets and delivered them to designated floors, and cut some newspapers to be used in wiping glass. I kissed Sir Fred and Inah on tnhe cheek. I just feel like kissing people when I wear red lipstick. I haven't kissed anyone on the lips ever in my life, though. I also wish I would be done with my on-the-job training. It's just so tiring. I still have lots of requirements even though I have only 3 subjects.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Just Twelfth Day at OG

I only worked for four hours so I could go to Church. EJ had a black eye. I worked one beddings.

Just Eleventh Day at OG Part 2

It was sir Fred's birthday. He made me make up a double bed again. There were rooms rented by a couple about to be wed. When we were about to clean one, the guest said they'll just call when the room needs cleaning. After that, we rested until 10pm

Friday, September 15, 2017

Just Tenth Day at OG

I went to OG after our exams by 9:30. Speaking of the exam, my hand was shaking while I was holding my pen as I was trying to answer. I was seated in front and I was using my phone by my side. Sir doesn't really care if we cheat, but boy, was I nervous. Back at OG, they were already attending rooms. I tried to some bed making but EJ would come and help/take over. I would end up sweeping or dusting. I went back to school for my English class. As I came back, Sir Fred just timed in. I went to the second floor where Ma'am Beb and Sir Ariel resided. Sir Ariel said that I have already come back but Fred still hasn't arrived. I told them that he already did. They left to Ladislawa and let Sir Fred clean the bathrooms. I stayed with him to help. I logged put at 8pm.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Just Ninth Day at OG

Before I went to work, I first went to school to have my Housekeeping NCII assessment. I'm happy to say that I am now competent. After that, I went to OG. I logged in at around 1pm. When I got to the housekeeping office, the RAs were awake. There was a guy sleeping on the floor. It was an old trainee who just came back from their retreat. His name is EJ. Now the office was crowded. When we went to attend rooms, the rooms were also crowded. There are 5 trainees in total: Me, Jerlie, Inah, Dawnna, and EJ. There were also 3 RAs present, making it 8 people. So I went away because I knew I would be a bother if I try to help. The laundry delivery had arrived so I went back to the office with Sir Ariel to assist in receiving. After receiving, they went to attend more rooms. I stayed behind to segregate the bed sheets. Jerlie and I counted the dirty napkins and sorted the linens. After those, there wasn't much to do, yet again. I went to dinner at Jollibee to treat myself for passing NCII. I also applied correction tape on the pad of mini bar slips. I changed the number of items of various snacks to 1. Also, they noticed the drawing I did last night, which I pinned on the cork board. Ma'am Ta-ta showed it to Ma'am Irene,, the OJT in charge, and now she wants me to draw for her. Actually, they all now want me to draw for them. I'm being discovered. Lol. I don't want the attention anymore. This is what I get for showing off.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Just Eighth Day at OG

I'm sooo sleepy right now. I don't want to type this now but I have to. I don't really have to, you know, but I need to continue the flow and not break or skip a day. Anyways, I had my yearbook pictorial today. I hope the shots would turn up great. After that, we had our semifinal exam in English. I hope I did well. I think I did, but ma'am would always see the errors for further improvements.

So, my eight day of training at Orange Grove Hotel... There was not much to do. Sir Fred would cover the night shift while Sir Jimboy would cover the graveyard shift. Today is also ma'am Beb's birthday, but it's her day off. She left money for lechon, though. There was really not much to do. Ma'am Larry/Larrie asked us to clean the admin's office even though I vacuumed it yesterday. We cleaned it anyway while we were placing bath towels in rooms that did not have them. After that, there wasn't really anything, to be honest, so Sir Fred made me do his calculus assignment. I was like wtf. Haha. But I didn't mind, though, because I like math.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Just Seventh Day at OG

I arrived around 12:30pm. Everyone  was on a break. Because there were a lot of us, only two attended rooms and the rest went to clean the hallway. The people from Sales asked us to vacuum their office, also to include the Admin's office. I did it. It wasn't really a busy day. Every one was sleepy. I can't believe I'm saying this but I missed Sir Fred. Haha. It's his day off, you see. I completed a sudoku puzzle with the free time I had. I'm not gonna go for other minor details anymore because they weren't that important. Also, I met Sir Ariel's daughter.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Just Sixth Day at OG

I really want to sleep right now. All I can say is that the highlight of the day is that I prepared a room for a check-in but I was not yet finished and the guest caught up to me while I was still in the room (ssshhh, don't tell anyone). Also, Sir Fred talked about bipolar all because I said I was not allowed to eat chocolate (he was eating double dutch ice cream and was willing to share) and it was so triggering. Haha. Also, a new trainee named Dawnna came in.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Just Fifth Day at OG

Same as yesterday, I logged in at 8. Only Ma'am Ta-ta and Ma'am Beb were the present room attendant. Sir Fred timed in at 2. Ma'am Ta-ta won the betting game they do, last two, as we call it, and treated us halo-halo for lunch. She is kind enough to do the beddings herself and I would just sweep the carpet and dust the tables. There were still a lot of rooms that needed cleaning. A lot of guests left behind food and the RAs would just eat them. They're still clean. Also, while cleaning room 406 (I can't really remember if it was really 406) each of us, Ma'am Beb, Ta-ta and I, received a tip of Php 100. I didn't even do that much. Lol. I was supposed to log out at 5pm but Sir Fred asked me to clean a couple more rooms with him. He keeps telling me that I do stuff slowly. Haha. The last room we attended had a double bed. He made me do it myself. I kept grumbling while doing it. I took my time. While I was doing it, he already cleaned 2 other rooms. Haha. He came back to me and I was still doing the bedding for the double bed. When I finished, it was not even presentable, but he still went with it anyway. Hahahaha. When we came back to the office, he told Ma'am Ta-ta what happened. I laughed it off the whole time. I wish myself good luck tomorrow, because Sir Fred and I will be partners. I will take the afternoon shift with him. Good luck, future me.

Saturday, September 09, 2017

Just Fourth Day at OG

I logged in at 8am. This time, I did not leave, because I did not have class the whole day. It was a very busy day. I sweated buckets. There were 20+ check-ins. Because my sweat was dripping, I wrapped my face towel around my forehead and tied it at the back of my head. I also wore my face mask because it would drip from my chin. When the RA saw what I did, they were wondering, like amazed, or surprised. I can't find the right word. Haha. The RAs present were Sir Ariel, Ma'am Ta-ta and Ma'am Beb. Sir Fred's shift was at 2 pm. Sir Ariel and Ma'am Beb kept flirting with each other. They were both married with other people, but they were just flirting as friends, maybe for some fun in work. Lol. I noticed that I really take time doing the beddings, because when I and an RA would start at the same time, or even when I start first, I always finish minutes after the RA done theirs. They would even volunteer to finish it for me, as they can see I was struggling, with my sweat and all. It wasn't really a struggle. I don't really mind doing it. It's just the pesky sweat glands. Maybe I shouldn't drink a lot of water before work. Maybe I wouldn't sweat so much.

Friday, September 08, 2017

Just Third Day at OG

I went to the hotel at 10 am after class. I still had to return to school by 2 pm. My fellow trainees, Jerlie and Joy, were present. The room attendants, Ma'am Ta-ta, Ma'am Beb and Sir Ariel were also there. They already started cleaning rooms. There were a lot to clean. But, I did not do much of the beddings because Joy does them. She wants to, I think. During our break, they keep questioning whether I was bisexual or not. People really don't believe me when I say I haven't had relationships ever. Meh. I learned how to do make up beds, where the guests have not checked out yet but the beds need to be made. I met the supervisor, Ma'am Larry, or Larrie, I don't know how to spell her name. She was there because she wants to try changing the laundry service provider, since the sheets don't look that white amymore. Hmmm... What else did we do? The Front Desk got requests relayed wrong twice. I went to room 406 to deliver two bottled waters but no one answered. The guests were out so I should have given it to the front desk directly. The second was when room 304 ordered towels but they said 204 so sir Ariel went there however I told him it was actually 304. Yeah. I don't want to bore you reading all these. That ends it. I'm just journaling what happens in my ojt because we need to write them down on a notebook. I'm too lazy to do that. Typing and posting it here is easier. So yeah, I'll type all of my days at OG here until I've already reached my required number of hours rendered.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Just Second Day at OG

I logged in at 8 am, had to leave at 10:30 for my class. Before leaving, I met the other room attendants and another trainee. They were Ma'am Ta-ta and Sir Jimboy. The other trainee was Jerlie. I got to do the beddings with Jerlie. We had to help sir Jimboy lift beds because he isn't supposed too much effort since he just had his tooth pulled out. I also found one peso in a checked out room we were cleaning. Joy wasn't there. She was absent. Anyways, I left and came back by 12:45 pm. When I arrived, the three of them were resting. After that, we continued cleaning rooms and changing sheets. There were a lot of check-ins today. By late afternoon, we had to change from comforters to bed runners in various rooms. I also had interactions with guests. One particular thing happened where I was flustered when one requested to bus out some dishes from their room, and I had to tell it to Sir Ariel, so he called the F&B Department. I wasn't sure if I told him the right room number so I checked, and the guest saw me while he was taking out the dishes by the doorway. So I got rattled and took some of them instead so he wouldn't think I'm a lousy worker for not getting them immediately. I left some by the door. Bah, this is a long story. I'm too lazy to go on telling it. I'll just stop here.

Just First Day at OG

I just got home from my first day of training in the housekeeping department of OrangeGrove Hotel. I think it was a good day. Most of the time I sat idly not knowing what to do. I guess that's a good thing because I'm a lazy person. By the time it got late, around 8 o'clock, the current room attendant (RA), sir Ariel, taught me how to do the beddings. They already taught us that last semester from our housekeeping subject, but it's a good refresher. They did things differently. It's true that each hotels have different standards. Anyways, I like sir. He's friendly and kind. He makes too much phonecalls, though. By 10 o'clock, his shift ended, and sir Fred took over for the graveyard shift.

Sir Fred taught me what to do when a guest checks in. We have to get the room ready before the guest goes into the room. We should turn on the electronics, especially the air conditioner. We should also spray the room with some air freshener. I also delivered extra pillows and slippers as requested by the guests. Then, because we had nothing else to do, we folded some newspapers to use in wiping mirrors and covering trash cans. I could say today was a productive day for me. I like sir Fred. I'd like to point out that he's gay here.

What struck me this evening was the conversation I had with a worker. I think his name was Lester. He asked me if I was alone, and sir Fred interjected if he meant loner. Then, asked me if I attempted suicide. In my head I was like ohmygod but I kept a straight face. He and sir Fred kept talking in the background while I tried to keep my composure. I lied about it, but I could feel my lie as my voice croaked. I think he didn't notice it. I hope he didn't. He said he wanted to change my boring life, be more outgoing. I hate him already. Introversion is a bad thing. I get it. He wants to change my lifestyle for the better. His views are right. He's the better guy. He's full of himself. Fuck you, Lester.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Just Starting to Get Stressed

Today is the day I'm going to start my training. I've decided to work until midnight every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I hope I'll be able to finish soon and survive while I'm at it.

Sunday, September 03, 2017

Just that Talking is a Bother

I don't like girl talk. Talking alone aready is a pain how much more if it's girl talking. Most of the time I end up hanging out with girl friends because if I hang out with guys they end up having feelings with me or I would end up being mistaken with being in a relationship with them. Most of the time, I don't relate with people in general. But with girl talk, it's like a slap to the face. Sure, I'm a girl, and I'm supposed to be okay with it or something. However, I'm not that type of fool who would want to engage with such shallow topics, like the brand of shirts or shoes you wear, the routine you do for your skin, the people you like, who's dating who, or whatever. I'm just forced to listen and engage to these type of conversations so I wouldn't be judged and they would end up leaving me behind, which is fine by me but a person somehow needs other people. Bah.

Edit: I just had a girl talk through DMs with my friend and I feel my own hypocrisy. I may say that this was different because of some context that I may explain, but doing so after typing this post is just inexcusable. I don't know anymore. I'll just rephrase my first sentence in thisnpost. I may like girl talk on certain contexts.

Friday, September 01, 2017

Just Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos

I want to play Warcraft III again. It had a lot of awesome cinematics and cutscenes. I loved the lore. I want to feel the nostalgia. It's been years since I last played it. I would use cheats back then because I was a kid therefore I didn't have a lot of skills plus slow reflexes. I really especially loved the cinematics, like the one when Arthas killed his father. That scene gave me chills. It was awesome. Also that scene where Archimonde destroyed the kingdom with just his sandcastle thingy. It was fucking awesome. I am just saying this because I've been playing a lot of DOTA lately and the heroes were from Warcraft but with different names and skills. I just miss it. I just really want to feel the nostalgia.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Just Rammbabbli Rambling Ramble

Last night I dreamed a lot of people jumping from a building, so many that they all piled up outside the window, kind of like a thousand people stacked with each other. It looked like a mass suicide. This may be because I watched Koe no Katachi yesterday, where the protagonist tried to jump from her apartment, but the other protagonist tried to pull her in and he fell instead. The building also looked like the o e in school. The dream may also be coming from what I typed yesterday.

My right eyelid keeps twitching. I've been drinking a lot of water. Maybe I shouldn't use the computer that much.

I need to go to the hotel to get a follow up on my ojt. I should have went last week. Fear always gets in the way.

I don't want to exist.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Just Typing on Whatever

What should I write about this time?

It seems like life does not ever run out of drama, not that there is one in mine. It's just that there is a lot out there, especially on social media. People seem to find or make ways to start one, like what I am doing now. I'm making a lot of drama about drama. Drama is supposed to be entertaining, captivating its audience, but when it is already in real life, it is too much.

We never run out of conflicts. Once we solve a problem, another one will soon arise, no matter what. I remember Jake the Dog's quote from Adventure Time that to live life, you need problems. If you get what you want the minute you want it, what's the point of living? I know that there really is a writer behind that quote but the credits went to an imaginary dog. Shame. Anyways, the quote is kind of right. It is also kind of wrong. If to live is to solve every problem we encounter, what kind of purpose is that? My perception is getting fucked up again with all these hormone imbalances. I had a migraine this afternoon. It started with a blind spot in my vision. Then it spread to the upper left of my view. I then got a headache after the zigzag blurriness went away. I Googled migraine and it was called aura.

It's gonna be September soon and it's gonna be the end of the year soon. I will be a year older and I will be an adult. I don't like the thought of it. I don't really seeing myself reaching 30 or at least I don't like thinking I could reach that age. I'm not really in the right mind saying this. I might be wrong. Maybe I could exceed being 30 years old. Maybe I would even outlive every one I know. Who knows, right?

I'm still nineteen. My cousin's death anniversary from the Roxas Bombing last year is this Saturday. I don't know what to say about that.

Maybe punk rock is not dead after all. No one said it died, but they are not as big as it was in the 2000s. I'm stuck in the music from that time. I recently heard of Neck Deep. They give me the pop punk vibes, the kind that I would listen to, the kind that would give me that feeling that I want to feel. I still want My Chemical Romance to come back, even when they are different now, especially Gerard.

One of the puppies is really annoying. They are 5 months old now. Three were given away. We have three pups left with us. I want this one annoying pup gone. She keeps jumping on us. She also has a sharp voice that really pierces through your ears. She fights with her sister all the time. Sure, she's cute when she's all peaceful. I just want her given away to a better owner.

I've gone far from the primary topic. I could really be that random. Lol. I'm still bothered by the antipsychotic drugs I took years ago, whether or not I had or still have schizophrenia or not. I don't want to talk anymore, not that I'm talking. Lol. 

Monday, August 28, 2017

Just My New Avatar 3

Since it's been a month when I've had my haircut, and my hair isn't brown and long anymore, I'm changing my avatar again. I did a quick sketch just now and I'm sticking with it. I'm too lazy to draw in my face's details. Lol

Not my avatar anymore

My avatar now

Just Do Not Bring Us, Please

My God,
If this is a test,

Then,

I will try to pass it
with flying colors

or

I will just continue
what I usually do
during tests,

which is to not care at all
and hope for the best

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Just Freaking Fines

I'm thinking a lot about the Php 2400 that's gonna be fined to me in the later months for not attending the 4-day intramurals. I've come to the conclusion that it's worth it. Not having classes or activities for four days is worth it. If I need to look at it at a different angle, vacation is to be paid. So yeah, whatever. The student council can be corrupt. But at least I'm well-rested for a couple of days. I'm paying for it.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Just Two for Two

Two nights in a row having nightmares. I was chloroformed, cut with a razor, chased, and judged. I got my phone stolen and I'm trying hard to remember what else happened. I was in the debate and I was the last one to talk. I was reading my speech and the crowd was wondering what was happening to me. I was reading it wrong and they asked me if I was okay. I said I wasn't and walked out. I ran and hid then I saw my high school math teacher for a brief moment while I was going away. There were a lot of beggars and some of them look like they want to hurt me. They did. That was some nightmare, I tell you.

Anyways, there was a change of plans regarding my friends birthday celebration today. Turns out, it won't be happening. I don't have to buy a gift anymore or at least go out of the house. That's good news for an introvert like me.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Just Dreaded Sleep

My dreams today were a series of nightmares. I wake up then fall asleep again to another nightmare. But more importantly, I need a lot of money. I haven't attended our intramurals and the fine will reach about Php 1800. Lol. I also want to buy a gift for my friend tomorrow. It was her birthday yesterday and we're gonna celebrate it tomorrow.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Just Being a Pro in My Dream

I had a dream that I was playing Dota with a joystick on my phone.

We were team mates with my sis then she left then my bro took over her, lent me a joystick so I could continue playing as Crystal Maiden. I woke up before we could finish the game.

I knew that I would dream about the game before I fell asleep. Lol.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Just a True Story

I was playing with a coin in the living room but then I dropped it and it rolled all the way to the dining room so now I am typing this instead of getting it.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Just No Activities

I did not do anything productive today.

Just Some Activities

I finished reading Dean Koontz' By the Light of the Moon. It took longer than I usually take. But what do I know? I used to be a book-hater, like I didn't think I could even read a single book in my life. Anyways, it wasn't really my genre. If you like adventure, sci-fi, and thriller, then you might like it.

We're gonna have our intramurals next week. I'm still contemplating if I should go, or I should just pay the fines and not go. Sometimes the fines are worth it. I hate activities. Plus, I don't have friends to share the experience with.

I'm going to start my on-the-job training soon. I hope I'll get my hours done early. I also hope to lose weight on the process, because it's gonna be tiring.

Our puppies keep peeing and pooping. It smells bad on the terrace. They're cute, though. Why do they have to be so cute?

Common conversations I had for the past two weeks was about my hair, why I cut it, it suits me, yadda yadda. I hope it dies next week. I hope no one is going to comment about it anymore. Lol.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Just Around Six Seconds

Yesterday, we had our Engish midterm exam.
You were positioned southeast of me.
Class hasn't started yet.
Our teacher was still making final seating arrangements.
Then you sat beside me,
to my right.
You don't deserve to be written about here.
Here, in this blog,
with you, as the second person.
You were staring at me since day 3, I think.
Don't you know it's normal for me to smile at strangers?
You talked to me.
You flirted.
I hate flirting.
I maintained eye contact.,
tried to memorize your eye color,
tried to win the staring contest,
tried to focus on your right eye,
your dark brown  eye,
around 6 seconds.
I break.
Don't talk to me anymore.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Just Our English Requirement

Y'know, I really much prefer working alone, even if it means the task is doubled. That's what I am doing right now for our requirement in English. Instead of working in a group of three, I am doing it alone. Each group was tasked to write twelve letters. There are 36 people in the class. Which means, we are evenly divided to three. The problem is, I don't know which group is lacking, because I don't know all of my classmates, in which because I am an irregular student.

I am pretty much okay with single-handedly writing twelve letters. But these letters are Customs-related assignments. Ma'am didn't really give me a break. She really thought that I would be working with a group. It's okay, though. I am that versatile.

I am on the fourth letter now. I don't worry that much because the deadline is on Thursday, three days from now. Most cool people would be working on it the day before, or even on the due date. Anyways, the task on the fourth letter is to inquire to a Brokerage about how the products are delivered on time and at what good cost. Dfq should I know what they do in brokerages. Heck, what in my-hospitality-management-shit-induced-goddamned-brain is a brokerage? Bah, I need a break.

I am starting to second guess in working this through alone. But hell, I have always been alone.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Friday, August 11, 2017

Just Insert Title Here

My body wants something
I tell it no
It craves for affection
I have contempt those
It is times like this
where everything is conflicted
The body wants what it wants
but my mind has the control over it
Body has never won
Because
I own it.
In a few days
it will punish me
with a bloodbath
for not giving it
what it wants.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Just When I Did Not Procrastinate, Something Like This Happens

Procrastinating is a bad thing, so I did not do it. But I could have avoided being exhausted if I actually did it this time. What a great timing.


Let me explain. We have this workshop which was originally supposed to be done by group. But yesterday, our teacher's buttons were pushed so she decided to assign us to write 5 letters individually to be passed later by midnight. I already made those letters before she sent the text stating that she changed her mind and it is back to being by group. I'm just on tilt right now. I spent around 5 hours making those letters. It could have been longer when I'm with my group, though. Who knows.

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Just Felt the Pain

A nightmare woke me up just now. A guy kept cutting me with a razor. In the previous dreams I would see him save kids from a river. His modus was to push them in the river and save them so people would reward him with something to eat. I guess I was his next victim, the unlucky sap who happens to sit beside him in the jeep.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Sunday, August 06, 2017

Just Understand It If You Can. You Probably Won't because You're Not Me

When I ask a question with a "why", I do not mean the question in a literal sense.

Like,

"Why do we have to eat?"

The literal answers would be "so we would live" "to nourish ourselves" "for survival".

What I meant with the question is "Why must we have to eat? Why must it be that way? Why do we have to eat for survival?".

And I often get lost in these thoughts. I try to feel my consciousness as I close my eyes and think deeply.

Then I'm too conscious of my consciousness.

.

Before I was born, I had no consciousness.
I have one now.
But.
Do I really exist?

I close my eyes and feel my memories.
My experiences are so far away.
I try to feel my heartbeat in my head. Pulse, is more like it.

I close my eyes and open them as I type.
Yeah.

Why.

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Just Dumb Luck

I was playing 4 pics 1 word just now and I was frustrated because I did not know the word so I typed FUCKR at first because of my frustration then normally, it would be wrong because fuckr is not a word and then I typed in a word that rhymed which is FROCK and little did I know, it was the right answer. Lol.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Just Darn Kids

On my ride home on the jeep today, there was a high schooler, three of them, in fact. As one lad was about to get off, the driver got mad at him because the lad did not pay, as what he could remember. Then there was a dispute. This lad was disrespectful and was raising his voice. There was a dispute. The driver just said that paying or not, he should just get off. The driver was still complaining that kids from City High always do that. They ride in groups of five then two of them won't pay. When the other kid got off (he paid, of course), he was looking at the driver with contempt, like he was a drug addict, or something. Kids aren't supposed to be like that. Kids, like 15-year olds, I mean. Then again, most people unleash their inner evil when they are juniors in high school, according to what my junior high school adviser said.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Just Hmmm

Hmmm... What should I write about?

How about my day?

Maybe.

I could also write what's in my head, even the random stuff, type what's in my mind the moment I think it.

Nah.

Am I daydreaming or am I fantasizing?

What's the difference?

Maybe fantasizing is more sexual while daydreaming is innocence.

Nah.

I agree, nah.

Three pm
On my feet, I'm staggering.
You're only happy when I'm wasted.
All Time Low, Stella

Friday, July 21, 2017

Just Can't Believe What My Subconscious Sometimes Shows Me

My dream last night consisted of me breaking my water and about to have a baby. Was in the hospital, belly wasn't even that big to be pregnant. I'm not even pregnant in the non-dream world. Never even been with a single guy in my whole real life.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017