Wednesday, June 07, 2017

Just Typing because I'm Bored. I Had Coffee This Afternoon. I'm Not Allowed to Drink Coffee

I don't really think I'm cool or better than anybody. I'm really just a nobody. I get that there are people who love me. I don't think that they should. I don't quite grasp the concept. Sure, it seems like I know a lot of things about love when I write poems but I really don't mean them. I'm just being pretentious. What's bad is that there are some who think I'm cool when I am not. I don't really like being around people. Sometimes I sit in the front row so I won't get nervous when I see a lot of people in front of me if I sit in the back. When I do sit in the back, I want to be near the exit so I could go out of the room as soon as possible, or I would sit at the side so I would be sitting next to less people. I don't like being in the middle, either sitting or walking. I really don't talk much so when the people I'm in between of starts talking I would feel really awkward. I would want to move to the other side of either one of them so they could talk without difficulty. It makes me feel like I'm a burden.

Like I said before, I don't talk much, and I don't like to. So when I do talk after not talking for a long time, I get stuttered, because of the lack of practice. Stutters are one of the reasons why I don't like talking. I prefer texts, too, rather than calls. Takes a lot of effort to get the vocals working. I hate people who prefer calls than texts. Sure, calls can be simultaneous, and you don't have to wait for the reply, but there's another thing why I don't like speaking as a means of communication, and that is when you can't hear them clearly. You know how you can't understand what they're saying but you already asked them many times already to repeat what they said? Yeah. I hate that. Very much. Same goes the other way around. I hate repeating myself. Fuck social convention. I prefer silence over talking. I could not talk for hours or even a whole day. I hate being paired up with talkative people, who can't even go five seconds without talking. I just want to grab a chair next to me and hit it on their face while yelling SHUT UP! It's even sadder that there are more people who get deafened by silence than those who prefer it. In high school, we would have study periods in between examinations. Most of my classmates would move the chairs study in groups and ask each other questions, making a learning noise in the room. I would just sit in my chair and read the books. I was in the honors section, by the way. We were all nerds. Our teacher, who would sit in front to keep an eye at us could observe that some of us, including me, prefer silence while studying. Really, he would look around the room. He would say to the class to minimize our voices, because he says he could really see that some really prefer studying quietly. And I could see as I looked up from my book that he recently observed me looking at the noisy study group at the certain part of the room. Yeah, to sum this paragraph up, I hate talking.

Potty break.

Anyways, I don't want people to have a lower self-esteem than me. I don't want to be that person who (I don't know if I should use who or whom. I Googled, still confused. Lol.) I'm afraid to be friends with because I think they're cooler than me. Once, I told someone who I thought was too cool for me that I am afraid of making friends because I think I am just a loser and I am not cool enough to be anyone's friend. Then she told me that she was actually thinking the same thing and that people are intimidated by my coolness that's why they are afraid to be friends with me. And I was like whuuut and then she was like yea-uh and I was like nu-uh and then she was like yeaa gurl. I am just exaggerating this story. Lol.

I still want to type some more. I still have some thoughts to record. I also want to sleep.

I leave the impression of being mysterious. I think there was one person who told me I'm mystical, one person who tagged me in a Facebook post back in 2010, where there were these anime girls that had adjectives below them and the person posting would tag a person that the adjective was describing to the anime girl and I got mysterious, one person who told this person who we were also talking to that I was mysterious, I can't remember the others and I'm tired of thinking. I also have been called emo. I call emo trash. I am also weird, which I like. Also, recently, edgy and edgelord. I'm sleepy now. Lol. Bye. I've been typing for more than an hour now. Also, my bed broke four days ago. Lol. Breaking bed. Lol.

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